Vice Guide: Procuring Party Pills

Everything that makes South Florida the Vice capital of the country--the drugs, the sex, the gambling--is amplified during the week of the Super Bowl. But nothing ruins the perfect party week like someone dying or going to jail. So this week we'll be presenting The Juice Vice Guide to South Florida. We've done the arduous research, taken the dangerous journeys, and interviewed dozens of local experts to bring you the definitive handbook to depravity in the Sunshine State.

After the jump, knowing your way around a pain clinic.

Procuring Party Pills

Prescription pill addiction is among the most insidious, degenerate afflictions known to man, ripping apart bodies, families, and the health-care system. Your problem: You didn't want to risk transporting the ridiculously disgusting amount of pills you and your friends are going to need for your time in South Florida. Or maybe you've heard about all the pill dispensaries down here and you're thinking, When in Rome... Either way, if you're looking for somewhere to score pills, you've come to the right place.

Cash Crop

In 2008, about half the illegal prescription drugs in this country came from the Sunshine State, according to the Drug Enforcement Agency. In Florida, OxyContin and Xanax aren't the new cocaine; they're coke plus heroin, pot, meth, and all hallucinogens combined. Three times as many people here die from prescription pills than from all other drugs combined, according to a Florida Medical Examiners Commission report that was published in 2008.

Spend ten minutes driving around this area -- anywhere from north of Palm Beach to south of Miami -- and it might seem like Florida has more pain clinics than orange groves. Most clinics have a licensed medical professional who sees patients, "diagnoses" medical problems, prescribes medication, and fills the prescription -- all in the same place. Many of these establishments advertise in various local publications (like this one), offering discounted or free first visits. Though their signage might look like they're some sort of emergency room, most pain clinics are open only a few hours a day. It's safe to say that some of their doctors might not like working long hours away from their big, shiny yachts.

How to Shop

If you're in from out of state, it might be difficult to find a clinic that doesn't require Florida identification. This is a recent development, a reaction to pressure from various law enforcement agencies. You can still find a few places that don't require local ID, but expect to pay $200 to $300 per visit.

Cash might be the quickest option, but most places accept credit cards. One local pill connoisseur -- for her sake, we'll call her Pained Patty -- says that if you have a few hundred dollars and an ID and you can say you have a vague medical problem, "You can basically ask for the drug you want by name and be in and out in under ten minutes." Patty adds, "It helps if you don't ask for, like, 20 different drugs all at once and if you don't look like a smuggler. None of these people want to get in trouble."

Be prepared to brush up against the other clientele in the small waiting rooms. These could be some wide-eyed, spaced-out, unwashed, greasy-haired pillheads who quite literally do not know you're in the room even though you've been sharing an armrest for half an hour. Bring hand sanitizer.

What's Your Pleasure or Pain?

For a beginner, this could be the trickiest part. You know what kind of drug you're looking for, but you don't want to ask for it by name -- despite Patty's suggestion. You're also not sure exactly how to describe what's wrong with you. Here's some help:

Darvocet, Percocet -- You have some mild pain, perhaps a sore jaw.

Xanax -- You have a lot of anxiety, some tension in your chest.

Valium -- You have some anxiety and a sore lower back, though you're not sure why. You're also a little sad.

Vicodin, hydrocodone -- You hurt your back moving boxes. It's been very sore for more than a week, and you've had to miss work.

Methadone -- It began with a back injury, and now you've been on pills for a while, and it hurts when you stop.

Klonopin -- You have a lot of anxiety and you aren't fond of how you feel on Xanax.

Adderall -- You can't focus when you read long magazine stories. Or you're already on an antianxiety med and need some balance.

OxyContin, oxycodone -- You fell off a roof. It was two stories. You're in severe pain. You can hardly sleep. You were just barely able to get to the clinic.

Roxycet -- You were hit by a car. It's the worst pain you've ever felt, and you feel it all over.

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Michael J. Mooney