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Warren Newell Released to Local Halfway House, Looking for Honest-ish Work

​Warren Newell has made yet another awful, awful mistake.
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First, the former Palm Beach County commissioner pocketed half a million dollars in secret land deals. That's a no-no. In 2007, he pleaded guilty, earning himself five years behind bars at the Federal Prison Camp in Pensacola.

But he's outdone himself this time. Newell cut a deal to get two years off his sentence for ratting out another former county commissioner (seriously, what is up with you people). Page2Live reports that Newell has arrived at the Salvation Army's Center of Hope half-way house on Military Trail, where he's learning to rejoin society.

And his first step is finding a job.

Oh, Warren Newell. Dear, sweet, mustachioed Warren Newell. You could not have picked a worse moment in time to snitch on Mary McCarty and re-enter the job market. If you had just waited two more years, perhaps the stimulus would be working. But now? Really?

In the spirit of charity -- and hey, maybe people really can change -- we scoured the classifieds for jobs that Newell might want to check out:


THE JOB: Hair stylists and assistant salon managers for a new Hair Cuttery location
THE REQUS: Must be Licensed Stylist
THE LIKELIHOOD: Newell, the mustache? She'd have to go. And we're afraid you're going to have to do something about those eyebrows. Unless you're trying to hide another land deal under there, this is not the job for you.

THE JOB: Part-time Wellington clubhouse attendant
THE REQUS: Work weekends, customer service and computer skills
THE LIKELIHOOD: You can't be too unfriendly, as a former politician and surviving federal inmate, and heck, your weekends are probably clear. But just a word of caution? Unless you have another get-out-of-jail-snitch up your sleeve, you should probably avoid Wellington country clubs.

THE JOBPalm Beach Post Online Account Manager
THE REQUS: Bachelor's degree, 2+ years experience, Microsoft Office proficiency, strong oral and written skills, dependable mode of transportation
THE LIKELIHOOD: Somehow, we get the feeling they've heard of you before. But you know what? Go for it!!

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