Wet Curtains

When you're a teacher at a prestigious, high-priced private school, your life ain't your own, savvy? You can't go around like ordinary citizens, getting drunk at parties or goosing people in the street, because stuff like that gets back to the headmaster. So when a veteran English teacher at the elite Pine Crest School in Fort Lauderdale allegedly put his profile on Match.com sometime last year, with randy details, he was taking a gamble.

Just before Christmas break, some computer geeks discovered the teacher's profile, and it became the talk of the school, according to students and teachers who requested anonymity in fear of retaliation. Although the profile, complete with a smiling headshot, came off of Match.com soon after it was discovered, clever students had already printed it out and were happy to share a copy with New Times.

The profile starts out harmlessly enough. Organlvr, as the subject calls himself, is apparently "a professional writer and a musician, with a heavy background in computers... I teach humanities and journalism courses, I am a regularly published music critic, as well as a prof singer." Then we find out that this teacher is mostly WASP but one-sixteenth Native American, "with a swath of English/Scottish/Welsh tracing back to downtown 16th C London." He likes ice cream, jewelry (simple and gold) and luxury hotels ("know the Greenbrier?").

Things start to get hairy when Organlvr starts talking about how he likes "when it's raining, to stay in and make love with the windows open."

The 64-year-old teacher also mentions he's seeking men 18 to 64 — a category into which, actually, some of his students fit. Then the teacher adds that he's "an aggressive lover, best described as 'lusty' with a high libido."

After these disclosures, it no longer mattered that Organlvr was looking for "loyalty, monogamy, trust, affection, honesty, candor, commitment, and humor" in a relationship. All the students could think about, they said, was their English teacher banging a young dude on a rainy day with the windows open.

Tailpipe couldn't reach the teacher in question to offer his support in what appeared to be an unjust dismissal. (OK, the man has issues, but that's no reason for him to lose his job.) His self-proclaimed boyfriend of three years finally answered their phone and denied that his partner had posted the profile, although he couldn't say who did.

"So it's fake then?" the 'Pipe wondered.

"It better be," he said, voice shaking a little.

Tailpipe found this hard to believe. There were too many telling details, written with such an obvious sincerity —- "next to the bed is the latest Tom Clancy," "treat me fairly and I'll worship you, convince me that you love me (not easy) and I'm your slave (no, not that way)" — that the profile had to be either the work of some vengeful Nabokov fan or the man himself. The 'Pipe checked with Match.com spokesperson Liz Edelbrock, who declined comment. But the material she forwarded on the Match.com rules said that entries are screened to weed out obvious fakes and entries have to come with legitimate mailing addresses.

Fabricated or not, the teacher in question suddenly disappeared from Pine Crest four months into the school year. He decided to retire early for financial reasons, the partner said. "It was really much simpler than you might have imagined," he claimed.

Pine Crest President Dr. Lourdes Cowgill did not return the 'Pipe's phone calls. Her director of communications, Toni Marshall, explained that the school does not comment on personnel matters.

The Livan Is Easy

Livan Hernandez pays rent. It just takes him nearly four years.

Back in January 2003, the former Marlins pitcher (now making $8 million a year with the Arizona Diamondbacks) displayed some behavior that was very unbecoming for a Major League Baseball player. At the time, he was renting space for an auto parts accessory business in Miami. He got into a dispute with his landlord, then-65-year-old Francisco Martinez-Celeiro, about the condition of the building. Martinez-Celeiro is a former movie star in Spain (screen name: George Martin) and now a substantial landowner (he is nicknamed "The Baron of Biscayne" and — disclaimer — owns the Miami New Times building) and was not intimidated by the six-foot-two, 245-pound World Series MVP.

According to Hernandez's deposition filed in Miami-Dade Circuit Court, Martinez-Celeiro told him "that if I had not been a baseball player in Cuban baseball, I would be just any other Cuban Black, cutting cane in Cuba." At that point, Hernandez admits that he took a golf club out of his car and said, "I am going to show you how cane is cut in Cuba."

Although he denies actually swinging the club at Martinez-Celeiro, Hernandez was nonetheless arrested and charged with two felony counts: aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and battery on an elderly person. He ducked the charges by agreeing to a plea deal that had him donate $500 to charity, perform 50 hours of community service, and attend an anger management class.

Unsatisfied, Hernandez decided to get back at Martinez-Celeiro another way: by not paying rent. After ignoring three court orders compelling him to pay, sending one bounced check, and roaming the Earth as it made three-and three-quarters trips around the sun, Livan finally settled up. Late last year, the parties settled, and Hernandez paid $60,000 for three months' back rent and another $60,000 to Martinez's attorney. This time, the checks went through. Martinez-Celeiro, however, is still seeking more cash in a civil action that also charges assault and battery. That case is pending. A hearing is scheduled for next week.

Gray Roots

Tailpipe readers know that this twisted car part likes to keep track of trends in genital cosmetics. South Floridians, of course, are at the mecca of bikini waxes, anal bleaches, and anything else that primps the privates. What's hot in Malibu or the Hamptons? Oh, that was last year's fad in South Beach or Boca.

It's no surprise, then, that the world's first pube coloration product appeared, like a turned-on light bulb, in Boca Raton, the old folks' vanity capital of the world. The creator of Priva'tone is Betty Saxe, who came up with the idea after she and her husband of 16 years divorced and she presumably had more time to devote to serious things. It was she and an Austrian hair dye manufacturer who launched Priva'tone, which safely dyes back hair, beards, chest hair, mustaches, pubic hair, and sideburns, according to Saxe's website. The black or brown dye comes in a half-ounce tube along with a brush resembling a mascara wand, a hydrogen peroxide activator, and a mixing saucer.

Just place an inch of tint in a saucer with two drops of activator, dip the wand, apply from the root, out, and voilà! Your crotch looks as young as it feels.

If that doesn't help to define the South Florida ethos for you, then you'll never get it.

As told to Edmund Newton

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