Why You Had to Work Today, and What You Can Do to Survive

Last night, as your father finally wrenched himself free from the turkey carcass, no one could believe it. No, they gasped. The day after Thanksgiving? You have to work?

Yes, you replied. And now, here you are: working.

How the empty office cubicles do mock you. Everyone -- especially your boss -- are deep in some Black Friday scrum, or the back of the fridge, mulling a turkey sandwich. Everyone, that is, except you.

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The office chump.

How could this have happened to you? The day after Thanksgiving is supposed to be one of those gimmes -- an extra-point conversion, extra crackers at the salad bar -- so why are you here? There are several explanations, like (a) no one likes you, (b) God doesn't like you, and (c) you're very new at your job and thereby have zero street cred among the office-place powers.

Here's the unfettered truth: If you're not in retail (or plumbing?) but are working today, you, in fact, do suck.

But sucking doesn't mean you can't survive this. Here are five methods to make it until 5 p.m.

5. Don't Do Anything. Just Stop.

First, stay calm. You can get through this. You slacked your way into this position; you can slack your way out. No one is around to yell at you. Just relax, get a cup of terrible office coffee, and read New Times all day long.

We would tell you "Don't feel guilty about this," but we already know you don't.

4. Shop (It Is, After All, Black Friday)

Working today just saved you all sorts of problems. Have you tried shopping today? It's terrible. No number of deals should propel a sane individual into that madness. Still, holiday shopping does beckon. So, today, while there's nothing going on at work -- get some, grasshopper.

Buy that thing you never actually wanted in the first place under the misguided impression it will fill that hollowness deep inside your capitalistic, American soul.

3. Get Drunk as F**K

If there's ever a day to get wasted on the job, it's today. No one 's around to yell at you. And it's Friday. Hell, we're wasted right now while writing this. Why aren't you? Grab a bottle of that holiday red, dim the fluorescent lights to a garish warm, fuzzy sheen, and get totally bombed.

You earned it. You're working today.

2. Work

We don't recommend this option.

1. Leave. Do it now!!

Just go home. This is getting ridiculous. Peek around, make sure no one -- if there's actually someone around -- is aware of your activities, then get the hell out. Go home. Reflect on the things you have done.

All that work on your desk? It will still be there on Monday. Promise.

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