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WTFlorida: Ten Reasons Why Florida Is Better at Everything

Here in Florida, we're really good at a lot of things. Topping the list, we have: growing indoor marijuana, staging car accidents, and throwing children in jail. And boy, are we good at all of those things.

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Florida Leads the Nation in Faked Car Accidents
Give us an inch, we'll take $10,000. Florida now ranks first in the nation in questionable insurance claims from car accidents. Florida is one of only 12 states to have no-fault laws for car accidents, meaning insurance carriers will pay $10,000 in medical claims without proof of who's at fault. Not only are our drivers blind, so is our insurance system. Source: National Insurance Crime Bureau

Florida Leads the Nation in Putting Kids in Adult Jails
Let's face it: Kids are scary. Here in Florida, we realize that if a person is troubled during his youth, the best way to make him a better human being is to send him to an adult jail. Nearly 3,600 kids ended up in adult court in the 2007-08 fiscal year, up 45 percent from four years earlier. Inmates will take the troubled kid under their wing, and maybe all the face tattoos he'll receive will get him interested in an art career. Source: St. Petersburg Times analysis of Florida Department of Juvenile Justice

Florida Is the Deadliest State for Walkers and Cyclists
In the state of the perpetual blinking turn signal, why go through the dangers of walking or biking on our streets? Consider that of the pedestrians killed in this country, 11 percent of them were in Florida (which has just 6 percent of the nation's population). And of bicyclists killed in the States, 17 percent died here. The problem was underlined in February when a driver killed the Dalai Lama's nephew while he tried to walk the state. Source: National Highway Traffic Safety Administration

Florida Leads the Nation in Denying Free Medicine to AIDS Patients
If there was statistics on being heartless, we're sure we'd be No. 1 there too. Take, for instance, the fact that 1,290 uninsured and poor people in Florida sit on a waiting list to receive medications through the AIDS Drug Assistance Program. Nationwide, 5,154 people wait for help from the program, meaning Florida makes up 42 percent of the list. Congress is considering adding $42 million to Florida's ADAP program, so perhaps we soon won't be quite so heartless. Source: Florida Department of Health and the National Alliance of State and Territorial AIDS Directors

Florida Leads the Nation in Elected Officials Charged With Crimes
We can't be the bastard state without some bastards running it. And we've had some downright criminal bastards in charge in Florida, which leads the nation in the number of busted politicians. In the decade ending in 2007, 794 elected officials ended up facing criminal charges. Even when adjusted as a per capita statistic, Florida ends up with the tenth highest number of elected officials with rap sheets. Needless to say, journalists wouldn't have as much to do here without crooked politicians. Source: U.S. Department of Justice, PolitiFact Florida

Florida is Second in the Nation in Homeless Attacks
Whether it's a baseball bat to a sleeping man's head or a steel-toed boot to the face, when it comes to beating homeless people, Florida likely has you beat. In 2009, the 16 attacks against homeless residents was enough to put us second in the nation, behind California. We also trail only California when factoring in the number of attacks since 1999; Florida homless residents have been attacked 177 times in the past 11 years, with 28 deaths. The Sunshine State has 55,000 homeless residents, but we also apparently have an enormous population of assholes. Source: National Coalition for the Homeless

Florida Leads the Nation in Cultivating Indoor Marijuana
OK, we're proud of this one, actually. Cops busted 1,022 grow houses in Florida in 2008 and seized 78,000 pot plants, enough to make us the top grow house-producing state in the nation. And the pot we're putting out is the good stuff. "This isn't your grandma's marijuana," boasted a Miami-Dade narcotics officer in a Time magazine article. And with all the empty, foreclosed property today, we have plenty of room for growth. Source: Time Magazine

Florida Leads the Nation in Boating Accidents
This one is pretty much a given, but we want to make sure the nation knows we're not slipping. We are surrounded by coast; we're basically an island of awesome with boats at every corner. According to the U.S. Coast Guard's accident reports, Florida led the way in 2009 with 610 accidents, and we're waiting for them to declare us the winners for 2010. With all the pain pills and marijuana we have flowing down here, the real surprise is that we are not leading the world in this category. Ahoy! Source: Boating Safety Resource Center

Florida Has the Nation's Top Pill-Dispensing Doctors
We don't want you to have free health care, but we want you buy as many pain pills as you can carry. The nation's top 25 Oxycontin-dispensing doctors are all in Florida, and 18 of them are in Broward County. There is much pain in the world, and Florida is here to help people overdose it out of their systems. With the assistance of determined elected officials like Gov. Rick Scott creating obstacles to being able to track buyers, Florida is still in business. Source: Broward County grand jury report

Florida Prisoners Lead Nation in Tax Fraud
Even our prisoners are overachievers in the Sunshine State. Florida inmates filed 8,777 phony claims for tax refunds in 2009, more than prisoners in California, Texas, and New York combined. Nationwide, inmates submitted nearly 45,000 bogus tax returns and managed to convince the IRS to give them $39 million in refund checks. Considering that many nonconvicts file false tax returns, defrauding the IRS might qualify our inmates to rejoin our ethically challenged society. Hooray, rehabilitation! Source: IRS

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Miche Ratto
Contact: Miche Ratto

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