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Zoo Alliance Starts "Adopt-a-Sperm" Program

The South-East Zoo Alliance for Reproduction & Conservation (SEZARC) is "asking the public to lend a hand to their sperm collecting efforts," it announced yesterday.

"Every day, all throughout the animal world, millions of sperm are going to waste, swimming their way to fruitless oblivion. This sperm, if properly harvested and shared, could be used to help save the planet's endangered species from extinction." SEZARC said in a statement.

Since nature is, like, totally destroyed and animals can't have normal animal sex themselves, SEZARC is asking that people use technology and text "SPERM" to 91011. They'll receive a link to donate $10 to SEZARC to artificially inseminate endangered species at zoos around the world.

SEZARC explains:

Before potential adopters start trolling Craigslist for tigers or Somali wild asses in heat, SEZARC Director Dr. Linda Penfold is quick to clarify that people who adopt the exotic sperm will not actually receive frozen animal semen in the mail: "All human donors will be parents in name and spirit only; the sperm we collect is stored and maintained in scientific-appropriate facilities until a prime candidate for impregnation is found."

So-called "adoptive parents" will receive a link to a Certificate of Adoption that they can print, frame, and proudly display. SEZARC claims to be working on breeding projects around the world for giant river otters, stingrays, and Malayan tigers in captivity. It is said to be artificially inseminating jaguars and cheetahs and collecting sperm from South African elephants, "Somali wild asses," cheetahs, gorillas, antelopes, and wolves.

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"The Adopt-a-Sperm idea is obviously a bit tongue-in-cheek," Penfold said in the statement. "But the reality is, the financial donations it generates will go a long way to helping a great number of endangered species in need.

"Just like the male animals in our program, we encourage everyone to give, and give often." Ew?

E-mail story ideas to Deirdra.Funcheon@BrowardPalmBeach.com

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