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Best Spa

Casbah Spa and Salon

The Moroccan charms and friendly staff are what make this cozy spa rock. Casbah Spa and Salon is that place where you can spend a pampering getaway without the pretension. Want to chillax in the steam room before your Swedish massage ($75 to $115) appointment? Come early and enter a steam bath of delight with a serving of teas, cucumber-infused water, and, yes, Champagne goodness at your fingertips. Located at the bottom of Sunrise Harbor residence just west of the Sunrise Boulevard Bridge, this tranquil locale boasts extensive services. There's a facial for your back ($95). There's one designed specifically for teenagers ($80). And men can opt for their own gentlemanly retreats with options like the hot towel facial ($80) and the "Hello, Handsome" all-inclusive treatment ($215). In addition, Casbah does haircuts, nails, and various healing offerings.

Best Massage

JothiVita

If you're going to trust anyone with your body, why not put your twisted, knotted, tense flesh in the paws of those with special knowledge of ancient Indian holy men? At JothiVita, the words of the rishis are taken seriously, and the body and soul are soothed. This Hollywood spa is the first Ayurvedic center in town. It uses a variety of healing methods to balance your stressed-out ass. It's concerned not just with that weird hard thing in your shoulder but with the balancing of your whole self. The spa has plenty of stuff going on, like herbal remedies, yoga, reiki, meditation, chakra work, and skin-care treatments, or there's the detox program called Panchakarma. But the folks here really know how to work those muscles with their list of totally chill-sounding massages. There's the classic abhyanga with herbal lube, the lymphatic drainage massage to get rid of all the crap running through your system, and marma therapy that deals with your body, mind, and emotions. They've got some featured treatments that include crystal sound healing bowls, reflexology, boluses of herbs, milk, and rice, and, of course, more herbal oils. All that health is actually affordable too! An hour massage is less than $100. We think it's time to get JothiVita with it.

Best Place to Buy Condoms

Condom World Gift Shop

Cover your stump before you hump. When in doubt, shroud your spout. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. Wrap it in foil before you check her oil. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. House your noodle before releasing your strudel. Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey. Can your worm before you squirm. Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle. In case you're still not getting it: Wear a condom. Seriously, why wouldn't you? In this contagious era we live in, it's insane not to wrap it up. And thanks to places like Condom World Gift Shop, you can stay safe while still having fun. From big to small, from glow-in-the-dark to flavored, you don't even need a partner to have fun with condoms anymore. Hell, just open up a pack, turn off the lights, and let out your inner child. Sorry, Slinky. You've been replaced as America's favorite toy.

Best Gun Shop

Weston Arms & Shooting Range

I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Now, to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? Because if not, then maybe you shoulda gone to Weston Arms. It's family-owned and -operated, in a clean and safe environment. And the folks there do a helluva job teaching you all you need to know about .44 Magnums and all other types of guns. They've got good sales there too. Like, you can get yourself a CMMG LE Rifle 5.56 NATO 16-inch M4 Profule Barrel WASP Treated M4 Hand Guard 6 Position stock black for just $825. And if you didn't understand any of that, you can ask them and they'll teach you, punk.. Because they're good. They also offer Concealed Weapons Permits training. For 75 bucks (plus a $117 fee to the state), you can be CWP-certified in just ten days. And, of course, there's the shooting range, where you can sample any number of guns and learn to shoot just like me. But since you didn't go to Weston Arms to learn how to shoot, you've gotta ask yourself another question: "Why did I go to an inferior gun shop when I coulda gone to Weston Arms?" Why indeed, punk.

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