You Can't Afford to Skip New Times' Scott Storch Profile

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Illustration courtesy of Jason Seiler

Royal Flush: Scott Storch

​New Times scribe Gus Garcia-Roberts has a gem of a feature about the rise and complete ruin of South Florida hip-hop producer Scott Storch, who once played John Travolta's role in Grease and can play any top 40 song from the past 20 years on the keyboard. His gifts for eBay generosity (a $20 million yacht for $600,000!) are mentioned here, as well.

In addition to many heartbreaking passages about a still-talented hitmaker who was instrumental in creating pop smashes like Dr. Dre's "Still D.R.E.," 50 Cent's "Candy Shop," and Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River," who got in way over his head, I am still trying to wrap my own head around passages about Storch's grandfather (who later calls Lindsay Lohan a "jerky broad" and probably would love to grumble in harmony with the ShitMyDadSays guy). Find a couple more reasons you should take the rest of the afternoon off and just read this thing already after the jump.

[Grandpa] Julius is a lucid former Brooklyn storekeeper with a big, square

head

and skeptical eyebrows. He wears a polo shirt and boxy blue jeans. The

octogenarian Jew gained an encyclopedic knowledge of hip-hop by mining

mention of his grandson in music magazines at bookstores.

"Did you know that Scott won producer of the year in 2005? Did

you?"

he demands. "He beat out Dr. Dre, Timbaland, and Kanye West."

And this one, regarding Storch's attempts to evade the legal system:

A server named Joseph Torres told a judge that in one such

attempt in September 2008, Storch had a handler use a black Mercedes

S550 as a "blocking ram," plowing backward into Torres's legs to allow

the producer to escape in his blue Rolls-Royce Phantom coupe. As Storch,

accompanied by a blonde in the passenger seat, drove past the

beleaguered server, he peered out the window and muttered, "Good luck,

asshole."

There are some pretty rough, stomach-turning images

featuring members of the Storch clan and bad boy Scott, but in all, this cautionary tale

has a tinge of silver here and there.