Ah, Florida.
We have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminal. Namely, dumb ones.
And because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we've decided to scour through our Floriderp files to present to you the 12 dumbest criminals for all of 2013.
This was no easy task, as you might imagine. Because, holy crap were there A LOT of them to choose from. So we broke it down by categories for you.
2013 was a special kind of dumb for Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
THE PENIS FILES:
12.) Florida Woman Bites Boyfriend's Penis for Not Having Sex With Her According to a Manatee County Sheriff's Office arrest affidavit, Krystle M. Harrison, 19, allegedly bit her boyfriend's penis after he turned her down for sex several times back in May.
After Harrison chomped down on the man's dong, he was able to push her away and ran outside -- which is what one would typically do after having his Johnson bitten.
Harrison followed him outside and continued to argue. She then allegedly scratched his chest as the two continued their fight, the report says.
However, the boyfriend (whose name has not been released) would not complete a sworn affidavit and refused to press charges on his special lady friend.
Bite his dick and scratch his back, and he still loves you? There's a keeper if there ever was one, ladies.
11.) Florida Man Has Penis Bitten by Escort According to the Orange County Sheriff's Office, Priscilla Vaughn, 29, was arrested in March and charged with attempted murder after she allegedly bit a man in the genitals who had just paid her for sex.
Cops were called to the hotel, located on University Boulevard, shortly after 2 a.m. that day.
Cops were told by several callers that they heard screaming and growling. They arrived to the room to find the victim naked on the floor, covered in blood. They also found a naked Vaughn in the room with blood all over her face.
The victim was reportedly going in and out of consciousness and bleeding not only from his genital area but also from his face and head. The man also had bite marks on his hands and stomach.
10.) Florida Man Takes Out Penis Trying to Pick Up Woman in Front of Her Kids
Adam Justin Griffith spotted himself a gorgeous lady playing with her kids in the playground at the Anderson Snow Sports Complex. He apparently needed to meet her and inquire if she was single or not.
So he decided to approach her by laying down the smoothest pickup maneuver possible: by walking up to her and her kids with his penis hanging out of his pants.
As he sat in his Acura MDX several parking spots away, observing the mother and children getting ready to leave, Griffith allegedly took it out and began fondling himself.
The mother spotted Griffith playing with Little Griffith and put the children in the car. She then called 911.
He then approached the driver's-side window and leaned into it.
"Damn girl," he reportedly said to her. "You're fine. Do you have a man?"
All this while his dick was still hanging out of his pants. Smooth operator.
Unfortunately for him, Griffith's master game was cock-blocked by deputies responding to the 911 call.
THE HIDING DRUGS IN YOUR ASS AND/OR COOCH FILES:
9.) Florida Woman Hides Bags of Drugs in Her Vagina
When cops pulled Port St. Lucie resident Jayme Nicole Poma, 23, over for a traffic violation back in March, they found that there was an active warrant out for her arrest for failure to appear in court.
So the cops hauled her off to jail.
But this was only the beginning of what would be a pretty bad day for Poma. Because, upon patting her down at the station, they found she had a couple of hidden bags of cocaine and pot on her person.
And by "on her person," we mean inside her vagina.
During the patdown, a female officer noticed a purple sock in Poma's panties. When the sock was removed, the deputy spotted a plastic baggy hanging out of Poma's cooch.
Poma was ordered to hand over the baggy, where police found a small amount of marijuana.
At this, the deputy ordered Poma to squat and cough, which was a good idea, because, as it turned out, another bag fell out of her twat.
This one had cocaine in it.
8.) Florida Man Hides a Whole Bunch of Drugs Inside His Ass
Kamon Holobaugh, 24, was driving his Ford Escape around 3 a.m. on the morning of April 23 when he flashed the vehicle's high beams at a police officer.
The cop, thinking Holobaugh needed assistance, pulled him over at the post office located at 50 W. Midway Road.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed Holobaugh sweating profusely and looking nervous. He also had his pants unzipped (Holobaugh. Not the cop.)
Holobaugh complied with a request for the officer to search his Ford Escape.
The cop soon noticed several small white pills falling onto the floor by the driver's side. More pills fell onto the floor mat at Holobaugh's feet.
When Holobaugh exited the car, the officer noted he was walking around awkwardly.
That's when he told the officer he "may have some needles between his cheeks," according to the report.
The cop searched Holobaugh's ass and found a bag of unused needles there.
Holobaugh then said he "believed there was more pills in his anus."
7.) Florida Woman Hides Crack in Her Vagina
According to Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputies, a Jeep was pulled over by cops on U.S. Highway 90 for faulty tag lights on the evening of March 9.
A K-9 unit then checked out the vehicle and found some pot on the passenger floorboard.
Little did cops know that trying to hide weed on the floorboard was the least of where other contraband was supposedly hidden by the passenger.
The Jeep's passenger, Porcha Gross, was arrested and taken to the county jail for processing.
There, female officers found several pieces of a "cookie" of crack cocaine hidden in her vagina during the cavity search.
THE WORST POSSIBLE REASONS FOR GETTING ARRESTED FILES:
6.) Florida Man Arrested for Punching Police Horse's Ass
Twenty-three-year-old Pedro Arzola was walking down the street near Central Boulevard and Orange Avenue in Orlando in June when a mounted police officer came clopping down the street and asked him and a large group of pedestrians to clear the street and mosey on out of the area.
Arzola reportedly became enraged by this and punched the horse in its ass.
The officer was still on the horse when the incident occurred. The report says Arzola was on his cell phone and ignored police commands.
According to police, authorities had to forcefully grab Arzola before handcuffing him after he kidney-punched Captain the Horse.
He finally complied with police and was promptly arrested.
Arzola was charged with attempting to injure a police horse.
5.) Florida Man's Son Tells Cops, "Those Are My Daddy's Hoes"
Last June, police got a call that a man had beat and choked a woman he allegedly forced into prostitution.
When cops caught up with the man -- 34-year-old Robert Burton -- they pulled him over.
He had three women and a little kid riding with him in the vehicle at the time. The boy, a 7-year-old, was apparently Burton's and the woman he choked-out's son.
At one point, police asked the boy about the other two women in Burton's car, to which the boy replied, "Those are my daddy's hoes."
Ha. Ha. Kids say the darnedest things!
Burton had forced at least six women into prostitution and, aside from being their pimp, was also apparently three of the women's baby daddy, fathering several Lil Burtons with them.
One of the women, an unidentified 31-year-old, had two children with Burton -- one of them being the boy cops spoke with.
THE TOTALLY REASONABLE RESPONSE FILES:
4.) Florida Man Responds to Eviction by Taking a Shit on a Porch
Jorge Jonathan Cruz-Blanco was evicted from his home.
So he responded in the most reasonable way imaginable for a person who gets kicked out of his place of residence.
He dropped his trousers and took a shit on the landlord's porch.
When cops arrived, Cruz-Blanco tried to explain the heaping pile of human shit on the porch by telling them that he really needed to go to the bathroom.
3.) Broward Woman Goes Nuts on Dunkin' Donuts Employee
Back in June, Broward resident Taylor Chapman became infamous after a video she shot went viral. The video was meant to embarrass a Dunkin' Donuts employee but instead made Chapman look like an entitled asshole.
In the video, Chapman is seen berating the employee (who manages to keep his cool and remains completely professional) and demands free food. She even gets other customers involved in her tirade.
The grievous horrible thing Dunkin' Donuts failed to do? Give her a receipt for one of her purchases.
Chapman calls the employee who didn't give her a receipt a "dumb bitch" and claims that the employee crossed "my fucking line."
In the video, Chapman claims to have a "business degree," making it totally OK to treat another human being who had nothing to do with the offense like shit, then posting it on the internet.
It also makes it OK to be really, really, ridiculously racist.
Chapman calls the female Dunkin' Donuts employee "a complete cunt sand nigger whore," then confronts her directly when she sees her, saying, "This shit's about to go live, bitch. Right on Facebook."
While this isn't a criminal in the technical sense of the word, it still deserves to be on the list. Because Taylor Chapman is a horrible person.
2.) Florida Man Stabs Brother Over Missing Mac and Cheese and Spilled Beer
When Randy Zipperer found that his mac and cheese was missing and his brother accidentally spilled his beer while helping him to look for the missing mac and cheese, Zipperer allegedly stabbed his brother in the stomach.
The Volusia County Sheriff's Office says a witness who was at Zipperer's home saw the man get hella angry when his mac and cheese up and disappeared.
His brother then helped him look for the food when he spilled the beer.
The two brothers got into a fight over it all.
And that's when Randy Zipperer got caught in a glass case of emotion and lost his shit, allegedly stabbing his brother with a kitchen knife.
Cops found a small puncture wound in the stabbed Zipperer's stomach. The also found blood leading from the kitchen into the bedroom.
1.) Florida Woman Draws Dick on Stranger's Car, Leaves Post-It Note Explaining Why
Natasha Myers took her vengeance out on a silver Kia SUV parked at a Publix parking lot located at 1920 Bruce B. Downs Blvd. in Wesley Chapel by scratching a drawing of a big dick on that car with her keys.
When she was done drawing a penis on some random stranger's car, Myers calmly walked into the Publix where she asked a customer service person if she could borrow a Post-it note.
Myers then wrote out a brief message and placed the Post-it on the SUV's windshield.
"Hey I keyed your car," the note read. "You didn't stop for pedestrians as is law. Since no cop to enforce a ticket, this should cover the cost of your fine. Have a good day. P.S. Don't be a dick."
The whole incident was captured on the supermarket's surveillance cameras.
Turns out, the damage to the SUV was $1,240.13 -- a tad more expensive than a ticket for not stopping for pedestrians would've cost.
Cops showed up to Myers' home, where she admitted to being the Dong Sketching Vigilante and was arrested on a charge of criminal mischief.
Natasha Myers is like Batman!
If Batman drew pictures of dongs on criminals rather than beating them up.
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