Your Miami Dolphins are set to kickoff the 2012 season this Sunday at Houston (a team, incidentally, they have never beaten ever in the entire existence of American tackle football history).
If you haven't noticed, we're living in the golden age of pass-first football. Passing records are falling by the wayside as offenses have abandoned the old "run-first" mentality and are going with the "fuck it -- just throw it a billion times" strategy.
And yet, even with that, the Dolphins are entering the season with a rookie quarterback who started only a handful of games in college, an offense with no-name receivers, and a defensive backfield missing one of its best players.
The Dolphins don't just suck. They're innovators in the realms of sucking. Here, now, is your 2012 season preview. Prepare your anus.
So tell us about this Joe Philbin fella?
Well, he comes from the Green Bay Packers.
Was he their offensive coordinator?
No.
What was he, then?
He worked with the quarterbacks and did stuff.
Oh.
Yeah.
Anyway, Philbin is now a first-time head coach. And he promised to bring a fast-paced game to Miami, which is something we haven't had here in a while.
Did he bring any of the awesome Packers players with him?
No, he did not.
Well, then, how does he expect us to be fast-paced?
No idea.
Well, fuck.
I know. But he has an awesome couch. And he hates it when people say FUCK. Which is bad, because there's going to be a whole lotta FUCKS flying around this season. Except, of course, for the FUCKS that people will stop giving come Week 5.
So tell us about Ryan Tannehill.
The Dolphins selected Tannehill with the eighth-overall pick in this year's draft, which is the first time they've taken a QB in the first round since Dan Marino.
Is he any good?
He has promise. Unfortunately, it's going to be hard to tell how much promise he has, because his offensive line is terrible and his wide receivers are atrocious.
But do you think he's finally the franchise quarterback we've all been waiting for?
Yes! No! Maybe! There really is no way of telling. But there's hope. Also, people think his wife is pretty hot. So there's that.
So why are so many Dolphins fans enthusiastic about this year if the team sucks so bad?
Because they're blinded by their allegiance. They think being critical of your team makes you a shitty fan.
But they have to have some kind of tangible reason.
If you count winning meaningless games at the end of the season against subpar teams, then yes. That's tangible.
They won games last year?
Yes. And people got excited. And they finished 6-10. And they missed out on drafting Andrew Luck with the first pick.
I'm going to throw up in my pants.
Go right on ahead. I'll wait.
Why didn't we get Peyton Manning then?
Because our owner fucks everything up. And besides, who would want to play for this shit franchise?
But we could have sold him on building around him! He has a home in Miami!
When Manning came to visit that home during the offseason, he was swarmed by news helicopters and people wondering if he was interested in coming to Miami. It was pretty embarrassing. Also, why would he come here when Ireland traded away Brandon Marshall and then failed to address the need in the draft and free agency?
Come on. There has to be one good receiver on this team.
Our best receiver is a possession receiver. The rest are unknowns who amount to a heap of bags filled with shit. Oh, and we have a couple of tight ends.
Oh! Are they any good?
No.
DICKMUGS.
Yes. I know. Dickmugs, indeed.
What about the defense?
Well, we still have Cameron Wake, who is one of the league's fiercest pass rushers. Expect him to have another big season.
Sweet, bro! Who else do we have?
Karlos Dansby. He's allegedly good. But he's always hurt, and when he's on the field, he plays football like he's wearing chancletas.
What about Sean Smith? He's good.
Yes, he appears to be the one draft pick Jeff Ireland seems to have hit on.
Why do people hate Jeff Ireland so much?
Because he sucks ass at his job. I mean, really sucks ass. If ass sucking was an Olympic sport, Jeff Ireland would be Michael Phelps. And yet he keeps getting a pass from Stephen Ross. His drafts have been atrocious, his free-agent pickups horrible, and, as mentioned above, he's failed to get us a stand-out receiver in a pass-friendly league. He also loves to trade away first-round picks for second-round picks. Also, he hates whores.
What about Reggie Bush? He's good.
He is good. And we're going to need him if we plan on scoring touchdowns, which we probably won't be doing a lot of. Other than Bush, there are zero impact players remaining.
So how bad is this offensive line, really?
Put it this way, if the Dolphins plan was to either (A) be the first team to have a player die during a game or (B) David Carr Tannehill's career, then they're on the right track with this God-awful offensive line.
So what do you think our record will be this season?
5-11.
Holy shit kittens! Really?
Can't see any other way around it. Maybe we get lucky and things fall into place. But that's stupid, because we won't. It's going to be a long season.
So... when does Heat season start again?
.....
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