Last week, Luther Campbell, AKA Uncle Luke, AKA Miami New Times columnist, exploded the internet with his off-the-cuff list of the ten hottest local female TV newscasters. Lest we be targets of your cries about sexism, please know that we are equal-opportunity objectifiers.
Here now is our list of TV's hottest newsmen. Everyone else can go back to your home on Whore Island! And to these guys, how you doin'?
11. Jason Martinez, News Anchor, Local 10
Why are you getting a warm, tingly feeling in your pants from watching the news? Because this smokestack's a-blowin! The blazer-on-the-top, flip-flops-on-the-bottom babe has covered it all: plane crashes, elections, and Michael Jackson's death. He's scooped up four Emmys (Hey, leave some for the other guys!), plays the drums, is a loving father, and in his spare time raises money for children's hospitals. In other words, the walking, talking slice of perfection who puts the "hubba" in "hubba hubba."
10. Todd McDermott, Anchor, WPBF 25 This studly family man is tough on the outside but a softie on the inside. The anchor is self-deprecating about his guitar-playing skills and says he was so shy as a kid, he couldn't even call to order pizza. Today, though, he's a suave, seasoned pro, sticking that microphone all up in Lois Frankel's face demanding answers! He files reports from Clematis Street to the White House -- while slaying audiences with his perfect enunciation and that cute lil' squinty eyebrow thing he does.
9. Adam Kuperstein, Co-anchor, NBC 6 He's kinda got that Adam Levine thing going on, like this pretty boy has cruised through life (and our living rooms, heyyyyy) with his good looks and effortless charm. He's like a popular kid and teacher's pet combined -- which is so totally annoying! While you do indeed find his puppy-dog eyes and young fresh face captivating, you would never, ever admit it. You would, however, have a super secret sex affair with him for three months. OK, four max. Gotta stop at six. Is he even legal?
8. Brian Andrews, Investigative Team, CBS 4 Sure, now he's an oh-so-serious investigative reporter. But just a few years ago, Andrews worked as the clownish "El Gringo" for segments on Colombian TV. How could you not crush on a man who is so versatile? Who is such a sharp dresser? Who has such a devious smirk? Who is fastidious about matching his pocket squares to his outfits? Alas, this longing goes unrequited, as Andrews was caught on video declaring "I hate New Times" during one of his hard-hitting investigations about a parking meter. We still love ya, Bri!
7. Matt Lincoln, Sports Anchor, WPEC Channel 12 What's that delicious smell? Mmmmm... Fresh meat! This smiley, boyish cutie just blew into town in just March of this year. His sweet but handsome face is upstaged only by his kind, deep, knowing voice. Two questions: Is there a female word for "Schwing!"? And has anyone warned him about the voracious cougar population down here?
6. Bob Norman, Investigative Reporter, Local 10 It feels a little incestuous to be naming our former coworker to the hot list, but hey, when our female staff, after a few too many of those postwork cocktails at Maguire's, used to play "Who'd You Rather?" with the names of our male colleagues, the answer was always unanimous: The guy who could make everyone melt with his authoritative waxing on about sludge contracts.
5. Adam Weinstein, "Chief Voice Officer," Fusion Since serving in the Navy (admirable!), working in Iraq (badass!), and winning $40K on Jeopardy (swoon!), Weinstein has primarily been a writer for various national publications like Mother Jones; Fusion, the TV station he recently joined, won't even launch until next week. We don't know him personally; hell, we don't even know whether a "chief voice officer" really qualifies for this list. We only follow him on Twitter -- and when we do, smoke starts pouring out of our iPhones! If you haven't read his infamous rants about the economy, do. The passion!
4. Steve Weagle, Fox News 29, West Palm Beach While newspapers are downsizing to, like, a few bodies and some ink, TV stations are still forking out big bucks for a full-time staff to tell you whether it's going to be partly sunny or mostly cloudy on any given day. But every precious penny is one well spent on Steve -- no mere weatherman, but chief meteorologist and fearless leader of "Storm Team 5" -- who, we know by his Twitter feed, is not just in the TV biz for the narcissism. When the clouds gather, we dream about Steve whispering about "Hadley cells" and "wintertime surface air masses" in our ear.
3. Omar Kelly, Miami Dolphins reporter, Sun Sentinel The self-described "part-time superhero" is a newspaper columnist but also frequently appears on video segments and TV sports shows. The fit, long-haired hottie says he got into journalism to fight injustice and search for truth, but "after being bored to death reporting news and covering politics, he switched to sports." He works out almost as hard as the Miami Dolphins he covers and has talked openly about packing a gun and driving fast. Everyone else has the brains; this fine specimen brings the brawn. Three words: hummina hummina hummina!
2. Louis Aguirre, Entertainment Reporter, WSVN Channel 7 and Deco Drive The pearly whites. The tight shirts. The biceps. THOSE BICEPS. Aguirre embodies the mindless Miami metrosexual so perfectly that he's almost a caricature of it. But don't think for a second he's not fully self-aware. Any ravenous watcher of Deco will catch the witty barbs and cocky smirks. The best thing about this hometown hottie is the damned good time he always seems to be having.
1. Jorge Ramos, Anchor, Noticiero Univision We have no idea what the hell he's blathering on about in Spanish, but we do know that the heat radiating off this silver fox is more than that of Anderson Cooper, Tom Brokaw, and two Brian Williamses combined. Llámame, Jorge!
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