Under normal circumstances, you should probably avoid putting anything Rush Limbaugh related in your mouth.
But the conservative firebrand did recently release a Paul Revere-themed beverage, Two If By Tea, so Clean Plate Charlie decided to risk life, limb, and sanity to review the oxy-chaser summertime drink.
Before you say the review can't possibly be fair because New Times is a liberal rag, as some media personalities and blog commentators on the right have surely claimed, know that Clean Plate Charlie went the extra step to make sure the writeup was apolitical and objective. ("Fair and balanced," as you people put it.)
To do that, seven New Times staffers participated in a blind taste test of four sweet teas: Two If By Tea, AriZona, Publix, and Betty's Soul Food brands. Participating New Timesers were given a slip of paper, where they wrote their political affiliation at the top, followed by their immediate impressions of each tea.
The results might shock you -- if you can find the time to put down your dog-eared (daresay, sticky-paged) copy of The Federalist Papers, that is.
AriZona Iced Tea
"A lemon just shat in my tea. Seriously." -- Liberalati
"Eh" -- Liberal homo (or is that redundant?)
"Tastes like watery, brewed hippie underwear. Shame on you!" -- Democratic Hopeful/AKA Communist
"As if a lemon queefed." -- Anarcho-syndicalist
Two If By Tea
"Tastes like watered-down lawn trimmings. The lack of sugar is an insult to sweet tea." -- Democratic Hopeful/AKA Communist
"My dog wouldn't drink this." -- Liberalati
"Watery, sad. Like broken dreams." -- Bleeding Heart
"My favorite. Less like sweet tea, more like sun[brewed] tea." -- Super Lefty
Publix
"Just kinda there... watery, bland." -- Liberal homo (or is that redundant?)
"My taste buds hurt. Where is the tea? So, so sweet." -- Super Lefty
"Smooth like a summer's day and sweet like a baby boy." -- Unknown affiliation
"It's good. It'd be better with rum." -- Liberalati
Betty's Soul Food & Barbecue [601 NW 22nd Road, Fort Lauderdale; 954-583-9121]
"Smells like happiness. IT ALSO TASTES LIKE HAPPINESS and sunshine and smiling rabbits. It must be Betty's" -- Liberalati
"A run for the worst tea. Torturous. I'd rather drink kimchi juice." -- Super Lefty
"Best of the bunch, but still just so-so." -- Liberal homo (or is that redundant?)
"This is like a stimulus package for your tongue." -- Bleeding Heart
The Winner?
Betty's! Second best is Publix's elixir, followed by Two If By Tea and, last, AriZona.
