BY THE BURGER BEAST
Does anyone even know who the McDonaldland and The Burger King Kingdom characters are anymore?
I can't remember a time when I didn't know who Ronald McDonald or the Burger King were. Sure, the friendly Burger King of the past was nothing like today's creepy King (that guy freaks me out). And Ronald's clownish mug used to be all over the place when I was growing up. But the other characters seem to have gotten lost in the shuffle.
I was in Downtown Disney not too long and I saw a 10-year-old boy ask his parents who that giant purple creature outside the McDonald's was. What? That's Grimace little dude. Grimace!
Does anyone remember when Grimace was evil? Or when he had four arms? What about the Hamburglar (robble, robble)? That guy was always trying
to steal burgers! Captain Crook was also a famous thief, but his big
weakness was fish fillets (he must have been hard up).
There were good guys too. The Big Mac worked diligently to stop the
Hamburglar and Captain Crook. Mayor McCheese, Birdie the Early Bird,
Fry Kids, and the Hamburger Patch. The list goes on and on.
The Burger King Kingdom Characters were less known. Sir Shakes-A-Lot
was always cold. The Burger Thing was essentially a 3D wall puppet.
Funny enough, I recently saw one for sale on eBay.
I barely remember the Wizard Of Fries, other than the fact that he was
a robot. But who could forget the Burger King's worst enemy, the Duke
of Doubt?
In the 1980s, the Dade County Youth Fair held stage performances with
the McDonaldland characters. I used to collect anything and everything
with these characters on them: sometimes in toy version or via glasses
only available with the purchase of McDonald's Happy Meals or Burger
King's Kids Meal Pack. I used to go to Burger King and hope to run in
to the Burger King himself and get the chance to wear one of those
paper crowns. I used to go McDonald's and hope to interrupt someone
else's birthday party, because I knew that meant Ronald would be there
(yes, we were on a first name basis, baby). I used to think all these
characters would be around forever.
But nothing lasts forever. Except old, styrofoam Big Mac packaging.
They say the Burger Beast is eight-foot-two and can down a ten-pound
patty in a single bite. Unidentified witnesses have seen him walk
through Kendall, pick up a cow by the tail, wrap it in a Holsum bread truck, and eat it for a snack. When he's not roving the land, seeking out all things Burger related, he's writing about it on his website, Burgerbeast.com.
