Ever since news broke that a Port St. Lucie man beat his girlfriend with a sandwich, we've been waiting...waiting...to learn exactly what was his weapon of choice.
The Port St. Lucie Police Department is not about to give such clues away. But whatever the sandwich in question was, it failed to achieve lethal force.
That begs the question: How can one design a Killer Sandwich?
Could a twice-toasted baguette be swung like a baseball bat, a la DeNiro in The Untouchables?
Nah, a toasted baguette would crumble against the skull. That would be embarrassing.
Another contender: that densely grained, triple-fiber bread. It tastes like cement and it's nearly as hard. But remember, the key to this crime is that you've gotta be able to eat the murder weapon after you've done the deed. No go.
We're focusing on bread when we should be thinking about meat. Perhaps a lengthy link of Polish sausage, like this one:
It would have to be cooked enough to get a measure of consistency but not so much that it becomes crumbly. That way, it could be pliant enough to be wielded in a fashion like a fly rod, or a bull whip. With the proper flick of the wrist, the business end of that encased pork could work a deadly effect. What's more, the act of beating one's adversary about the face and neck just might tenderize the meat in a way that would make cleaning up the crime scene a delicious endeavor.
Oh damn. Looks like a Florida man beat me to it.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.