Five Most Useless Kitchen Gadgets Ever Invented | Clean Plate Charlie | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Five Most Useless Kitchen Gadgets Ever Invented

The junk that most of us jam into drawers, stash in a closet, or haul off to one of those DIY storage facilities, never to be seen or used again, could probably outfit a small Latin American nation. Our kitchens are the worst, full of worthless gadgets that slice! dice! and collapse in a pile of cheap plastic shrapnel after five minutes of use. 

For the Kitchen Junkpile Hall of Shame, Charlie nominates...

Avocado Slicer-Pitter. Let me get this straight: You need a $10 tool to slice through a fruit that's softer than warm butter? And a sort of metal lasso-type thingie to remove the pit? Are you a full 'tard or just a dimwit? If you can't disassemble an avocado with a sharp knife and basic motor skills, you don't deserve to eat one.

Stainless Steel Tomato Holder.

Let's say you smoked a couple of rocks, downed a fifth of XO, ate a tab

or two of ecstasy, and really, really had to have a perfectly uniform

slice of tomato. Well, Jim, this is just the gadget for you. Just jab

the prongs into the tomato, then take your knife and slice between...

Oops, was that a finger?

Voice-Alert Thermometer. Why not announce to the whole world (or

at least your dinner guests) that you're a certified kitchen moron? You

know, cuz you can't remember to set a timer or check the oven every

once in awhile. Programmed to say, "Hey, nimwit, you're burning the

roast!" or "You can't serve raw chicken, idiot!" 

Electric Peppermill and Salt Grinder.

I know you. You drive a block to the corner market and waste half a

tank of gas looking for a parking space. Actually twisting the little

top of a grinder is so hard. Exhausting too. If you can afford to

spend $45 for one of these breakdowns about to happen, you've got too

much money. 

Electric Garlic Roaster. You gotta

love the American consumer mentality: Spend 50 bucks to roast a dollar's

worth of garlic when a couple of pennies in aluminum foil and the heat

from an oven already roasting something else can do the job easier and

better. But just think, you can store this piece of crap next to your

collection of Ginsu knives.

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Bill Citara

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