Five Public School Cafeteria Fails

On Monday, in South Florida, thousands of hormonal, angst-ridden youth made their way back to school for another year of FCAT-prep higher learning. If you just groaned a little it's probably for one of two reasons...

One--You haven't fully accepted that the smooth commute to work that you've been enjoying for the past ten weeks has just come to a screeching halt

Two--You are thinking back to your own experience in school which,

despite your being infinitely cool, probably wasn't a cake walk. Disgruntled teachers, regrettable, post-Homecoming hook-ups, and meals that rivaled prison food almost pushed you to the brink but you managed to survive virtually unscathed. Today, not much has changed and sadly, the food hasn't gotten much better. Actually, the same "food" that you ate in school is still being served today.

Here are a few familiar favorites...

Mexican Pizza

Like Haley's comet, Mexican pizza, shows up on the menu once in a blue moon. Mexican pizza, despite being a tiny hexagon of artificial cheese and meat product, is actually a student favorite. Douse it with an insane amount of unmarked, cafeteria hot sauce and you've got yourself one tasty treat.
Chicken Tenders

Deceptively named chicken tenders, these three pieces of fossilized, die-cut  chicken product are often so dry that they turn to dust when you bite into them. Sources have not confirmed it but I suspect that trays of these

breaded, poultry bi-products have been in the warming oven since the

mid-90s. Dessicated "chicken" tenders are here to stay. Eat your heart out tender, all-natural, white meat!

Grilled Cheese

How to make a cafeteria-style, oven-baked grilled cheese: 1. Take one heavy slab of government-approved "cheese" and sandwich it between two pieces of buttered cardboard bread. 3. Place in oven for one semester. 4. Remove from oven and serve with a side of tomato-flavored water. Three words--Mmm Mmm, Good!

Normandy Vegetables

 Normandy vegetables, a sad looking combination of pale gray cauliflower, crinkle-cut carrots, and mushy broccoli that have been boiled beyond recognition are served regularly. Schools may not have Jamie Oliver shaking things up in the cafeteria

but students can still have a taste of England every time they opt for

these pallid, overcooked vegetables. Too bad the cafeteria doesn't serve pints.

Macaroni and Cheese

Due to recent cuts in N.A.S.A's funding, kids can no longer aspire to become astronauts.  Though their opportunity to float in space is gone, kids can still experience the thrill of zero gravity by simply holding their food tray upside down on Macaroni Tuesdays.

See, despite sluggish afternoon traffic, being an adult isn't so bad. At least you can have a pint with your lunch. Cheers!

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Misha Grosvenor