Food News

Five Sex Toys Brought to You By Williams Sonoma

Tacky toys made for getting off are downright depressing. For example, a lady can try and please herself with a corpse-like shaft or she can go for the cheery purple, pink, or blue equivalent that's about as hot as a Muppet's member. It's enough to make a girl want to give up.

That's why I'm here to advocate that kitchen stores double as sex shops. Williams Sonoma is a much more civilized -- nay, subversive-- option, where tools for cooking serve dual purpose in the kitchen and bedroom. Now that food is the new porn, Williams Sonoma as sex shop is a natural progression. And it's a hell of a lot less embarrassing checking out at the register. Here's a list of must-buy items for cooking up something carnal. 

1. The spatula. This tool can be used as a crop or a paddle and, what's nice is that it comes in an array of sizes. For role players, it's a great tool for teacher/jockey/naughty baker fantasies.


2. The tongs.
Bill Murray knew what he was doing back in Stripes when he was roughhousing his lady with the tongs. They're ideal for hair and nipple pulling or -- for the adventurous -- playing doctor.

​3. The hand mixer. Use this item with caution, and don't go all retro on us with the crank version. All the ladies care about for this one is the vibration. 

​4. The rolling pin. This item can be used for light massage or, when dressed with Huile d' Olive, as an artisanal French, um, banana. 

​5. The baster. Whether you're letting fly your inner Julia Child dominatrix by trussing and basting your paramour like a Cornish hen, or simply lubing up your lover, the baster is perhaps the most versatile tool in the box. 

​6. Runner Up: The kitchen string. See above. 

Disclaimer: (These suggestions aren't the safest of sex toys. We hope you take them as inspiration rather than literally.)

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Food Critic
Contact: Melissa McCart