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Five Sex Toys Brought to You By Williams Sonoma

Tacky toys made for getting off are downright depressing. For example, a lady can try and please herself with a corpse-like shaft or she can go for the cheery purple, pink, or blue equivalent that's about as hot as a Muppet's member. It's enough to make a girl want to give up.
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That's why I'm here to advocate that kitchen stores double as sex shops. Williams Sonoma is a much more civilized -- nay, subversive-- option, where tools for cooking serve dual purpose in the kitchen and bedroom. Now that food is the new porn, Williams Sonoma as sex shop is a natural progression. And it's a hell of a lot less embarrassing checking out at the register. Here's a list of must-buy items for cooking up something carnal. 

1. The spatula. This tool can be used as a crop or a paddle and, what's nice is that it comes in an array of sizes. For role players, it's a great tool for teacher/jockey/naughty baker fantasies.

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2. The tongs. Bill Murray knew what he was doing back in Stripes when he was roughhousing his lady with the tongs. They're ideal for hair and nipple pulling or -- for the adventurous -- playing doctor.

​3. The hand mixer. Use this item with caution, and don't go all retro on us with the crank version. All the ladies care about for this one is the vibration. 

​4. The rolling pin. This item can be used for light massage or, when dressed with Huile d' Olive, as an artisanal French, um, banana. 

​5. The baster. Whether you're letting fly your inner Julia Child dominatrix by trussing and basting your paramour like a Cornish hen, or simply lubing up your lover, the baster is perhaps the most versatile tool in the box. 

​6. Runner Up: The kitchen string. See above. 

Disclaimer: (These suggestions aren't the safest of sex toys. We hope you take them as inspiration rather than literally.)


Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Facebook and on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.

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