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Five Ways to Blow Your New Year's Resolutions

New Year's resolutions usually come out of a drunken night of feeling sorry for yourself - I'm too fat, I'm going to get cancer from smoking, I'm dating an asshole....blah, blah. blah....

Look - whatever New Year's resolution you make, you're probably going to break and then hate yourself for doing it..This year make a new resolution - to not just break your resolution, to shatter it mercilessly, pound it into the ground, beat the living crap out of it!  Here are a few decadent suggestions as a start.

1. Quit Smoking... Cigarettes

  It's on the side of every package of coffin nails: smoking causes death. Instead of quitting, move on to the more social and fun hookah pipe.  Hookahs come in guava, pineapple, pina colada, cherry and more (a break from the usual menthol).  They're also sharable and can lead to belly dancing. Voted 2010 Best Hookah Bar by Broward/Palm Beach New Times, Off The Hookah in Fort Lauderdale is bringing new life to Riverwalk with more than 20 hookah flavors, Middle Eastern cuisine, and a full bar.

  Off The Hookah 300 SW 1st Ave, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33301 (954) 761-8686

2. Quit Drinking... Badly-Made Cocktails
I have no idea whatsoever why anyone would give up drinking unless it was court appointed.  As the saying goes, I once gave up drinking - it was the hardest hour of my life.  My advice?  Don't give up drinking, give up drinking badly made cocktails.  Head to the W Ft. Lauderdale's Living Room and have a stunning Berry Mojito.  Voyeurs can watch swimmers in the pool through special portholes and stargazers can slip out onto the terrace overlooking the ocean.
Living Room Lounge at The W Ft. Lauderdale 401 North Fort Lauderdale Beach Boulevard, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33304 (954) 414-8200
 
 
3. Save Money... for the Slots 
Your condo's worth 25 cents on the dollar, your've been laid off and the only money you have left in the bank is the $50 check you got from your Aunt Helen.  The only sane thing left to do is go to the casino and try to parlay it into a fortune!  The Isle Casino in Pompano Beach has an entire floor of slots and 38 poker tables.  Since every card shark needs a break, the Isle has two bars and four restaurants, including the Isle Buffet.
Isle Casino 1800 Southwest 3rd Street, Pompano Beach, FL 33069 - (954) 972-2000
 
4. Be More Spiritual... With the Help of Satan
Mom keeps bugging you to go to church and stop listening to that satanic rock and roll.  
The only adult thing to do is to go right over and have a couple of rounds of YOLO's signature
cocktail, The Devil's Hammer.  The Devil's Hammer is made with tequila, cherry-infused
bourbon, agave nectar and hot pepper. There's a three cocktail cutoff, but after the second
Devil's Hammer, you might feel like hell.
YOLO 333 E Las Olas Blvd., Fort Lauderdale, FL 33301 (954) 523-1000
 
5. Lose Weight... Or Don't
I run marathons, go to the gym and still can't get those extra few pounds off my ass and hips. Instead of counting points or eating styrofoam "cookies", embrace your ass (think of how far J.Lo and Kim Kardashian have gotten with a large boot-ay) and indulge in Jaxson's decadant Senior Sundae.  $13.95 gets you five scoops of ice cream, whipped cream and five different sundae toppings. Goes great with a diet coke.
Jaxon's Ice Cream Parlor 128 South Federal Hwy, Dania Beach, FL 33004 (954) 923-4445

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Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times, covering the restaurant and bar scene in South Florida. She has been featured on Cooking Channel’s Eat Street and Food Network’s Great Food Truck Race. Doss won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature on what it’s like to wait tables. In a previous life, she appeared off-Broadway and shook many a cocktail as a bartender at venues in South Florida and New York City. When she’s not writing, you can find Doss running some marathon then celebrating at the nearest watering hole.
Contact: Laine Doss

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