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Four Places to Hide from Christmas in South Florida

Ahhh Christmas day...the smell of a Christmas tree in your

house, opening presents, singing carols, sipping eggnog, laughing's enough to make you want to lose your mind. 

Christmas Eve is alright by me since it's

usually a time to drink a little too much anyway, but by Christmas morning I've

had it and I'm thinking maybe Scrooge had the right idea after all.  This Christmas morning, tell your family that

you were called in to work for an emergency (boss in a coma, toilet

backed up, secret nuclear codes got out on WikiLeaks) and head on off to one of

these guaranteed non-Christmassy places...where you can also grab a nosh and/or a drink. 

Bah Humbug!

Hare Krishna Temple

Tired of the crass commercialism of the Christmas

season?  You're guaranteed to never see a

snowman or reindeer or Nativity scene at this Hare Krishna temple.  Located in Coconut Grove, the temple is a

beautiful and spiritual place.  Wander

the grounds, visit the Deity statue, visit the gift shop and have a snack at

the vegetarian restaurant.  Contemplate

whether orange is your color and how easy it would be to learn how to play

those tiny little finger cymbals.  

Temple open 365 days a year from 4:30am-8:30pm.   3320 Virginia Street,  Miami, FL 33133 (305) 491-6510



Remember the awful live action remake of How The Grinch

Stole Christmas?  The Whos' threw a key

party - who knew they were swingers?  In

that case, they would love Trapeze, which 

offers nightly buffets, three bars, a lounge area, high energy dancing sex with strangers.  Trapeze

offers lockers, showers and mixers to consenting adults that bring their own

booze.  Their Christmas party will offer

all guests a gift from their naughty Christmas tree and members get an

additional 3 months extension to their membership.  Trapeze is open Christmas from 8pm-5am.  A Couples day pass is $75.  5213 N. State Road 7, Tamarac, FL 33319 (954)


Tootsie's Cabaret

Christmas is all about charity, so what better way to spend

Christmas than by helping out one of the students or single mothers that happen

to be dancing at Tootsie's Cabaret by throwing a 20 into their g-string?  Tootsie's is the Disneyworld of Strip Clubs,

with 3 bars, 400 ft. of dance floor, 30 plasma screens, 3 friction rooms and a

full service restaurant.  Dozens of girls

will bump and grind for your holiday pleasure. 

There are Christmas deals that even Scrooge would love - no cover and

half price drinks until 8pm on Christmas day and spin the Wheel of Friction for

a chance to win drinks and prizes.  Open

noon-5pm on Christmas day.  150 NW 183rd

St., Miami Gardens, FL 33169 (305) 651-5822

Studio Karaoke

Located in the basement of the Shelborne Hotel and

self-billed as the world's biggest karaoke palace, Studio Karaoke looks more

like a club in war-torn Afghanistan than chic South Beach.  Owner and MC Louie wears more gold chains

than all the cast members of Jersey Shore combined and monitors the evening's

hijinx like a starved cheetah monitors the last gazelle on earth.  The crowd mainly consists of people that

could never, ever get past the velvet rope of any other South Beach club.

There's no cover charge to get in (why would there be), but drinks are

overpriced and served in dirty glasses. 

Stick to the beer. With over 100,000 songs in 20 languages, you're sure

to find something that offends everyone - might we suggest "The Hanukka

Song"?  Open 10pm-5am nightly. 1801

Collins Ave, Miami Beach, FL 33139 (305) 695-1770

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Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times, covering the restaurant and bar scene in South Florida. She has been featured on Cooking Channel’s Eat Street and Food Network’s Great Food Truck Race. Doss won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature on what it’s like to wait tables. In a previous life, she appeared off-Broadway and shook many a cocktail as a bartender at venues in South Florida and New York City. When she’s not writing, you can find Doss running some marathon then celebrating at the nearest watering hole.
Contact: Laine Doss

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