Food News

Get Ready to Pay $8 For a Gallon of Milk if Congress Doesn't Get its Act Together

We're not talking about the organic goat milk they sell at Whole Foods. We're talking about the stuff you pour on your Coco Puffs and dunk your Oreos in: plain Jane, pasteurized cow milk.

A gallon of milk in Florida currently costs around $4. Whether you prefer whole or skim, or voted for Obama or didn't, if Congress doesn't pass new legislation by the end of the year, we will all fall off the "dairy cliff" where eight-dollar-a-gallon milk awaits us at the bottom.

See also: South Florida Breast Milk Selling for $1 an Ounce on Craigslist

In 2008 a last-minute farm bill was passed that pushed this financial dairy cliff to the end of this year. If Congress can't pass another farm bill in time, the 1949 law will kick in which would force the federal government to buy dairy at double the going rate.

Milk prices would skyrocket first. There would be shortages in supermarkets. Milk warehouses would switch to powdered milk warehouses. Cheese and butter prices would rise soon after.

In this dystopian post-dairy cliff society, dairy-less milk substitutes would replace the real stuff. Soy milk will be poured on cereal! Chocolate milk will be chocolate cashew milk! Oreos would be dunked in almond milk!!!

Our milk future is bleak, unless Congress can finally pass some legislation. Even if it's just a temporary extension. If there is something Congress should be able to agree on it's that there is no bigger injustice to our country than a Oreo being dunked in almond milk.

And if all else fails, there's always human breast milk for sale on Craigslist.

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson