Holy Toast: Jesus, Mary, and Satan Found in Food | Clean Plate Charlie | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

Rants

Holy Toast: Jesus, Mary, and Satan Found in Food

We're not sure why, but simple food has turned into a conduit for angels and demons to communicate with mere mortals. People have seen Jesus in cakes, sandwiches, potato salads, and other earthly delights. Jesus isn't the only spiritual being to appear in your meal -- there have been accounts of the Virgin Mary and even Satan interrupting your lunch for a message from beyond.


 In fact, Google "Jesus in toast", and you'll get over three million results. Luckily for humanity, searching for "Satan in toast" only came back with 275,000 results. Some people call this a miracle -- we just call it breakfast. 

Here's a countdown to our favorite spiritual meals. Insanely typically, most of the crazies devout people who found these items are from Florida.

Before you soak away the grease from last night's dinner off your pans, take a look. There could be a message from God waiting for you. At least that's what happened to Toby Elles from England, who fell asleep while frying bacon and awoke to an image of Jesus among the burnt pig flesh.  

4. Jesus in your Chip
Work with us on this one, because at first we didn't see more than a chip from a slightly rotten potato. But after looking at the chip for a while (while drinking a few shots of tequila), we did see a cross..kinda.  Carol Isaak of Twin Cities, who found the chip, swears it's a miracle, even though a spokesperson from the Potato Association of America rebuked the claim.  

3. Jesus Spud
Pastor Renee Brewster of Marion County Florida was making some potato salad for her church supper when she spotted the savior in her spud. Not skipping a beat, she froze the potato Jesus and continued to peel the other, non-holy potatoes.

2. Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese
Diane Duyser of Hollywood, Florida saw the Virgin Mary in her grilled cheese sandwich. Instead of eating her, Duyser encased the sandwich in plastic where it sat for ten years -- never rotting or getting moldy. The real miracle? Duyser sold the cheesy Mary for $28,000 to an internet casino on eBay.

1. Satanic Toaster
This Boca Raton woman claims the devil is inside her toaster. When the Today show comes to investigate, the woman says the devil in the toaster sounds like Eli Wallach and makes toast that says "Satan Lives". When the reporter asks the obvious "why are you keeping a toaster posessed by the devil", the woman simple replies, "it makes good toast."  

Watch batshit crazy here:

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times, covering the restaurant and bar scene in South Florida. She has been featured on Cooking Channel’s Eat Street and Food Network’s Great Food Truck Race. Doss won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature on what it’s like to wait tables. In a previous life, she appeared off-Broadway and shook many a cocktail as a bartender at venues in South Florida and New York City. When she’s not writing, you can find Doss running some marathon then celebrating at the nearest watering hole.
Contact: Laine Doss

Latest Stories