January 20, 2010 | 6:51am
Let me break it down for you: huge menu; televisions; servers and bartenders wearing enough clothing to cover all abs, nipples, and butt creases; guys galore; and lots and lots of beer. It's the perfect formula for a hookup.
You folks in Palm Beach County probably already know about this treasure, since you have one in the Gardens. A Yard House is slated to open in Hallandale Beach around August, so I took a trip north to my old hangout so that I could preach the
gospel to Broward.
Allow me to paint a picture for you.
Gals, you throw on those sexy jeans (you know the ones--that skinny pair that won't give you a muffin top but makes your tushie purely bootylicious) and some slinky top that shows just a bit of cleavage, but still says, "I'm totally worthy of meeting your mommy and throwing down in the boudoir." Then grab a high-top in the center of the room with two or three of your equally adorable buddies. Order just a goblet or pint of beer each -- no wine or iced tea, which is like throwing up a flag that says, "We're high maintenance!"Make sure to visit to the bathroom at least once. Inevitably the restrooms are on the other side of the large restaurant, so the long walk will serve as your runway for admirers. Then wait for the hotties to descend.
Guys, you put on your best somewhere-between-Abercrombie-and-Ed-Hardy-looking shirt -- no rhinestones, shine, or glitter, please, unless you want to be mistaken for Jon Gosselin
. Add jeans that have been worn no more than once and enough hair gel to cover the bald spots but not invite comparisons to Pauly D
. Then sit at the bar with your one faithful wingman. Hunt for the table of cutie girls and walk over with a sampler of six unusual beers. Deliver the line, "Hi, ladies! My friend and I were wondering if you'd help us decide which of these would work best at the barbecue we're hosting this weekend." Now you got the girlies interacting and drinking (good combination), plus you've opened the door for a second meetup.
When you all get super cozy, it would probably be wise to get some substance in your bellies before you start acting sloppy (see my Cantina Laredo blog for an example) or feeling barfy. Ladies, I recommend one of Yard House's salads, because they send the message, "I watch my weight" while also providing you with protein. My favorite is the roasted turkey cobb, a chopped-up combo of smoked bacon, creamy buttermilk ranch, and cool avocado. Guys, you're the lucky ones, since you usually pig out on whatever you damn well please, but I suggest you avoid the orzo scallops or miso-glazed sea bass if you are teetering on the metrosexual tightrope.
Down a few bites, deliver your best lines, and let chemistry take over, just like it does for Sam Adams. Heck, if he can turn hops and malt into that delicious, golden drink on your table, chances are you can turn a table of sexy strangers into drinking buddies in no time flat.
Yard House is located at 11701 Lake Victoria Gardens Ave. at Downtown at the Gardens in Palm Beach Gardens. Call 561-691-6901 or visit yardhouse.com.
Freelance writer Riki Altman eats everything that won't try and eat her first (with exceptions, of course) and dates younger men, older men, and older men who act like young men, along with locals, tourists, illegal aliens and just plain aliens. Love Bites is a compilation of what happens when her dining and dating ordeals collide. Sometimes, it just ain't pretty.