| Rants |

Humiliate Your Dog For Halloween: Ten Terrible Food Costumes For Fido

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.

Your dog gives you unconditional love every day of his life. Seriously! Has a human ever greeted you with such fierce devotion?  Sure, he peed on the carpet and he licks his butt, but if you want to punish your dog, take away his favorite chew toy. But in the name of all that's good in the world, don't dress him like a freaking piece of sushi.

Sadly, there are still some people who think it's hill-a--reee---ous to dress their pug up for Halloween. Just a reminder - your dog is an adult animal, capable of reproducing (well, before you cut his balls off, that is), foraging for food and chasing the neighborhood cat. Not wearing a wig. Here are the ten largest crimes against canines we could find.  Shame on you!

10. Pumpkin

You might think putting a pumpkin on a pug is adorable (look at those little neck wrinkles), but your dog is in abject misery. See how she backs away from the Milk Bone?  You've just given her body issues that will take years of doggie therapy to fix.

9. Hot Dog
Sure, sure, a hot dog in a hot dog.  Cute, right!  Wrong! This is stereotyping at it's most blatant. After you slept with your boss at the Christmas party, you hated being labeled the office tramp, so why call your Dauchshund a hot dog?  Same principle.

8.  Taco
Yo quiero Taco Bell?  How about "Yo Quiero my peeing in your new shoes? Or humping your new girlfriend?"  If you dress your dog as a taco, be prepared for serious consequences.

7. Sushi
Oh jeez lady, that's not even a costume - it's the inside of the throw pillow that I chewed up spray painted pink. Then you glued the container from yesterday's lunch on it.  Not only are you a bad dog owner - you're a bad costumer.

6. Banana
Not only are you causing serious emotional damage by putting your dog in a banana suit, you're running the very real risk of him being kidnapped by roves of monkeys. Don't say we didn't warn you.

5. Spaghetti
The dog park is having their annual costume contest. All the cool canines are dressed like pirates, dinosaurs, and police dogs and you glued a dirty mop onto your furbaby. Then glued those balls on it, serving as a cruel reminder of what he left behind at that trip to the vet last year.

4. Lobster
With all it's appendages, this is pure doggie torture.  Your dog is just waiting to shake this thing in its mouth and kill it, not wear it.  The only thing worse than this lobster costume is dousing Bosco here with some melted butter ala Flashdance.

3. Bacon and Eggs
You love bacon. We love bacon too. And so does your dog. So, imagine what "eat me" jokes all her little friends are telling at the dog park behind her tail. You've just made you precious darling into a dirty joke. Congratulations.

2. Pizza Delivery Boy
OK, so Harry didn't do well in obedience school. Even if he'll never become the therapy dog you've always wanted, you don't have to remind him that since he'll never be Fire House mascot with that IQ, he's got few job choices in the world.  At least, not on Halloween.

1. Happy Meal
Hey Lassie..remember the time you saved Timmy from dying in the well? This is the freaking thanks your progeny get.  Somewhere in doggie heaven, angels are weeping.

Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Facebook and on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB

Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.