Anthony Bourdain, television star, author, chef, and champion snarkmaster is celebrating his 56th birthday today. Though one could counter that the man has plenty to be thankful for this year -- what with television deals with both CNN and ABC, a publishing deal with Harper Collins' Ecco Books, and a new comic book, titled Get Jiro!
But there's nothing like opening a present on your birthday, even if you're into total world media domination. Just in case you've been invited to Bourdain's birthday celebration, here are five gift ideas for our favorite celebrity chef:
5. A Twitter-Bot
Anthony Bourdain like to tweet. A lot. Sometimes they're funny (like when he retweeted his own naked photos), sometimes, they're thoughtful, and sometimes they get him in trouble (like his rants against Paula Deen and McDonald's). We're not sure when he finds the time to mess with social media, so we propose getting him a Twitter-bot. Apparently the rage, the Twitter-bot will randomly tweet for you. Considering that this one blogger said his robot was prone to bouts of gibberish, we're thinking Bourdain could just add words like douchebag, Deen, eating, MMA, and drunk...and let the bot do the rest!
4. Five-Minute Cage Match With Paula Deen
OK - maybe this one is really more for us than him, but since Bourdain's wife Ottavia is completely into MMA, we're thinking something had to have rubbed off on the man. We're figuring five minutes of a beat-down on his arch nemesis, Paula Deen could just be the way to finally end this battle once and for all. Plus -- wouldn't it be amazing to watch?
3. Personal Street Food Vendor
It doesn't matter what country you plunk Bourdain down in, his inner radar (and small intestines) will lead him to the nearest night market filled with stalls serving such tidbits as squid on a stick, pho, and chicken rice. We agree it all looks amazing, but the problem is that Tony Bourdain lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Ever been there? Best you can do for street food is some random hot dog cart near the Metropolitan Museum of Art. So we propose having some chef work at Tony's beck and call. True, there's nothing new about having a personal chef -- but this personal chef would actually set up a cart outside the Bourdain homestead and, upon getting a call from the man himself, start barbequing some pork on a stick.
2. A Week at a Pig Farm
There's no secret that Anthony Bourdain like pork. In fact, he's such a proponent of pig flesh, that he's convinced that bacon can get a vegan to see the error of their ways. With all that love for the pig, we're thinking the perfect gift for Tony is a week at the Flying Pigs Farm in Shushan, New York. A short drive from New York City, Tony could spend the week at the farm's guest cottage ($500 per week), where he could play with the piglets, enjoy a farm-fresh breakfast (with plenty of bacon and sausage), and maybe even help muck out the barns. When it comes time for dinner, Tony could just point at the fattest oinker. It's just like picking out your own lobster -- only this lobster serves about two dozen people.
1. A Saturday Morning Kid's Show Deal
Anthony Bourdain has done just about everything media-wise so far. He's the author of over a half dozen books and has hosted several television shows. His lectures and appearances sell out on a regular basis, much like that of a Springsteen concert. There's only one thing left on the way to total world domination -- a Saturday Morning Kid's Show!
It's no secret that his daughter has softened Tony up a bit. He's admitted that he's a fan of Yo! Gabba Gabba and My Little Pony, so it's not a far stretch to see Tony host his own Saturday Morning show. We're picturing something in the lines of PeeWee's Playhouse with knives. Instead of cookies and milk, the kids could all sit down for a snack of anus and eels, while "Uncle Tony" tells them a bedtime story...ever hear the one about the Krampus????
Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Facebook and on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.