New Year's Resolutions Destined to Fail -- Because Sinister Restaurants Move in Next Door to the Gym (A Photo/ Video Tour) | Clean Plate Charlie | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


New Year's Resolutions Destined to Fail -- Because Sinister Restaurants Move in Next Door to the Gym (A Photo/ Video Tour)

Call me paranoid, but there are a few conspiracy theories I ascribe to. I believe that Elvis is alive, Oswald didn't act alone, and those shiny satellites up in the sky must be the dirty government trying to hijack our minds. It's a scary, deceiving world out there, folks.

But worse than all that, there is one conspiracy that really has my basil in a chiffonade -- commercial eateries want us to fail. That's right. Why else would restaurants, bars, and ice cream shops set up business right beside gyms and weight loss centers? They know that we packed on the LBs this holiday and that we're flocking to these places to correct the problem. Hey, the weight gain isn't totally your fault. This friggin' blog has you making a new recipe nearly every day. The Finnish sautéed reindeer, bourbon eggnog, and ham-and-cheese casserole made you fat, but your New Year's resolution (the same one you've made for the past ten years) will have you back in your tapered skinny jeans in no time.

To prove my conspiracy theory, I drove around (in disguise and with altered license plates, of course) and found a few businesses that are out to get you.

LA Fitness

& Temptation Plaza

On the way to kickboxing class at the LA Fitness in Coconut Creek, you will pass four eateries begging for your business. After a Cheesecake Fantasy ice cream waffle cone, Ropa Vieja, a Smokehouse Turkey sandwich, and a slice of pepperoni pizza, you should have lots of energy to roundhouse up a storm.

enCore Pilates

& Shuck-N-Dive

Pilates is really good for your core. You know what else is? Cajun-Creole Southern soul-food goodness at the Shuck-N-Dive in Fort Lauderdale.

Weight Watchers Hollywood

& Offerdahl's

How many points are in an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese? About 12. Yikes. Since you only have eight points left, thank goodness there is a meeting next door to discuss how to make those remaining points really last.

Zoo Health Club Plaza, Smoothie Kafe, &

Treasure Trove

After the physically unrealistic Boot Camp at the Zoo (A1A, Fort Lauderdale Beach) with the insane instructor who is literally dressed in fatigues, tuck yourself into a ball and roll next door to Treasure Trove for $1 TACO TUESDAYS! There is nothing like the crunch of a deep-fried tortilla washed down with a frosty cold beer to soothe those aching muscles. (Unfortunately Smoothie Kafe next door is no longer in operation.)

Quick Weight Loss Centers

Quick Weight Loss Centers can be tricky to find. Thanks to their informative website, restaurants are used as landmarks!

  • Deerfield Beach/Lighthouse Point is "Behind Hops"
  • Fort Lauderdale is "Next to Miami Subs"
  • Plantation/Sunrise is "Just NORTH of International House of Pancakes"
  • Coral Springs is "To the right of Publix"

Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.

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Jamie Long
Contact: Jamie Long

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