You stew at your desk over your missing stew. You scan the faces of your fellow office inhabitants -- et tu burrito? Your anger curdles inside you like the soured milk of human kindness, which only reminds you of the yogurt you could be eating.
You stalk the office suspiciously eyeing people you once naively believed were your friends and associates, peeking in garbage cans for "evidence." But that's the thing: Just because you find an empty container of Fage Total 2% Greek Yogurt with Honey and a bottle of Bolthouse Farms Orange + Carrot in someone's waste paper basket (and you know who you are!) doesn't really prove anything.
Why food thief?! Why?!?!?!
More important, what are we, good citizens, to do about this criminal underclass masquerading in our midst?
You could label the food with your name in the vain hope that if a person knew the individual from whom they were stealing, they might not. Dream on! The fridge pillager has no soul, never mind a conscience.
We could camouflage the food as moldy or spoiled or worse, but then you run the risk of some nosy do-gooder tossing it out.
No, the only solution seems to be to pack one's lunch in an insulated bag with an ice pack, attach it to one's wrist with a handcuff like a CIA agent transporting microfiche, and content oneself with not-actually-cold-but-not-warm lunch.
And to you, fridge pillagers, because we know you are out there, one day you're going to find yourself sitting on a toilet for hours, moaning, clutching at your writhing innards, and wondering if it's food poisoning or a stomach flu, when suddenly, a light will dawn and you'll know: The pillaged have had their revenge!
You can contact Rebecca Dittmar, Arts & Culture Editor/Food Blog Editor/Rage-Filled-Victim-of-Fridge-Thievery at [email protected].