Rants

Plater Hater

Plagiarizing from our colleague Robert Sietsema up at the Village Voice, we're initiating an irregular feature based on the Voice's recurring food blog item "Things We Hate." Only we're not nearly so genteel as our cousins in Manhattan, and we're feeling ugly enough to hurl a stiletto if anybody so much as looks at us crosseyed.

The Voice's peeves have included steak fries, touchy feely waiters, prime rib, and menu story hours. Today Sietsema rolled out his most despised overused food words, a list which embarrassingly included several of my own guilty pleasures (in bold, below). Interestingly, the bulk are adjectival. A friend suggested that most of the words Sietsema has listed, while annoying in a food review, would be most welcome in the bedroom (with the possible exception of "wilted" and, perhaps, "garlicky").

I've included a few alternates, and I'd love to hear your nominations. And waiter: Extra big bollocks of whipped cream on that pie, my good sir!


Dollop (substitute: bollock)

Slathered (substitute: slapped silly)

Homey (cloying)

Wilted (comatose)

Toothsome (mackadocious)

Resy

Nosh (snarf)

Drizzled (sullied)

Garlicky

Crispy (New Times Editorial handbook advises, ehem: "The word is Crisp.")

Eatery (sigh. so many restaurants, so few words for 'em...)

Well-Browned

Mouth Feel

Moist

Flavorful (aight)

Delish (gamorgeous)

Terrific (bangin'!)

Tuck Into (get one's chew on)

Gently Priced (ghetto)

Decadent (jigglicious)

Guilt-Free (100 percent risky free!)

Toppings (calories)

Napped 

Amazing (sick!)

To Perfection

Mouth Watering

Luscious (phat!)

Sinful

Unctuous

Comfy (fruggly)

Perfect (enlightened)

Fork-Tender (denture-safe)

Well-Spaced (? I have no idea what this means)

Rustic (see "comfy")

Tuscan

Nom

Yummy

Boite (see "eatery")

Resto (see "boite")

Sammy

Homemade

Tapas

Satisfying

Enjoy

Toque

Next time: The Plater Hater really can't stomach the restaurant Birthday Serenade.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gail Shepherd
Contact: Gail Shepherd