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Plater Hater

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Plagiarizing from our colleague Robert Sietsema up at the Village Voice, we're initiating an irregular feature based on the Voice's recurring food blog item "Things We Hate." Only we're not nearly so genteel as our cousins in Manhattan, and we're feeling ugly enough to hurl a stiletto if anybody so much as looks at us crosseyed.

The Voice's peeves have included steak fries, touchy feely waiters, prime rib, and menu story hours. Today Sietsema rolled out his most despised overused food words, a list which embarrassingly included several of my own guilty pleasures (in bold, below). Interestingly, the bulk are adjectival. A friend suggested that most of the words Sietsema has listed, while annoying in a food review, would be most welcome in the bedroom (with the possible exception of "wilted" and, perhaps, "garlicky").

I've included a few alternates, and I'd love to hear your nominations. And waiter: Extra big bollocks of whipped cream on that pie, my good sir!

Dollop (substitute: bollock)

Slathered (substitute: slapped silly)

Homey (cloying)

Wilted (comatose)

Toothsome (mackadocious)


Nosh (snarf)

Drizzled (sullied)


Crispy (New Times Editorial handbook advises, ehem: "The word is Crisp.")

Eatery (sigh. so many restaurants, so few words for 'em...)


Mouth Feel


Flavorful (aight)

Delish (gamorgeous)

Terrific (bangin'!)

Tuck Into (get one's chew on)

Gently Priced (ghetto)

Decadent (jigglicious)

Guilt-Free (100 percent risky free!)

Toppings (calories)


Amazing (sick!)

To Perfection

Mouth Watering

Luscious (phat!)



Comfy (fruggly)

Perfect (enlightened)

Fork-Tender (denture-safe)

Well-Spaced (? I have no idea what this means)

Rustic (see "comfy")




Boite (see "eatery")

Resto (see "boite")







Next time: The Plater Hater really can't stomach the restaurant Birthday Serenade.

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