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Porky-N-Beans and Other Funny Names at Ribfest 2008


Elyse Wanshel

Parma, Ohio’s Porky-N-Beans won best ribs at Miami-Dade Parks’ Ribfest 2008.

Ten bucks and then you get to eat all the free ribs you want? Sounds too good to be true. And it is, busting open the word-of-mouth myth that, last Saturday, lured me down to Homestead Air Reserve for Miami-Dade Parks’ annual Ribfest.

More accurately, the cover charge for this gluten gala is $10, unless you’re a small child, in which case you get in for free and also means that, mostly likely, you won’t be reading this blog, making it safe for me to say: Fuck you, kids! Okay, no, not really. I didn’t really mean that. I love the children. Not in a icky Michael Jackson way, but in a Whitney Houston way. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and they’ll learn how to write incredibly long asides which vaguely mask the fact that someone was jealous that they couldn’t use the bounce houses and those damn kids could.

But in order to indulge in all the festival’s meaty-goodness, you had to fork out extra money. Standard prices were about $7 for chicken, pulled pork, and brisket sandwiches, $12 for half racks of ribs, and $20 for full racks. Slap on an extra 5 bucks for Miller Lite, the event’s sponsor, and you’ve got yourself quite a dilemma -- which ribs, out of the dozen or so vendors do I choose to eat if most of my cash is gone?

I based my choices solely on which vendors had the funniest names, which coincidentally, won my personal third place prize for the three most entertaining things I observed at Ribfest 2008:

Third Place:

The names of the competing ribbers included:


Aussom Aussie Australian Barbeque: Who made my most beloved item of the night -- a deliciously fatty and smoky brisket sandwich smothered in their 2008-winning best sauce.

Porky-N-Beans: Winner of best ribs

Pig In Pig Out: Winner of best pork

Big Boned BBQ: Khloe Kardashian’s rib place of choice

Skin & Bones: Susan Lucci’s BBQ joint-o-choice (and winner of best chicken)

Blazin' Broncos: Pot-headed horses’ pit-pick, and winner for best brisket.


Desperado’s “Lick my Ribs” BBQ: My own champ for best name prompting me to buy a $15 half rack meal with beans, slaw, cornbread, and three sauces. Desperado’s also won for best sauce, one of which was so hot that I actually started to cry and I’m the kind of person who eats jalapenos straight from the jar.

Second Place

Toss up between listening to the cover band Classic Rock All-Stars as they desperately attempted to coax a response out of a ravenous pork-obsessed crowd : “Hey South Florida! We’re originally from Detroit, anyone here from Detroit? Anyone? Someone? You? No? Oh, sorry.”

And the guy from Porky-N-Beans who kept on trying to sneak into all of my shots.


There you go, dude, congrats.

First Place


This crotch who so eloquently stated which vendors were his favorite.

-- Elyse Wanshel

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Jose D. Duran has been the associate web editor of Miami New Times since 2008. He's the voice and strategist behind the publication's eyebrow-raising Facebook and Twitter feeds. He has also been reporting on Miami's music, entertainment, and cultural scenes since 2006, previously through sites such as MiamiNights.com and OnBeat.com. He earned his BS in journalism with a minor in art history from the University of Florida. He's a South Florida native and will be a Miami resident as long as climate change permits and the temperature doesn't drop below 60 degrees.
Contact: Jose D. Duran

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