In anticipation of the return of a brand-spanking-new NFL season, Publix has decided to roll out a signature sub for each of the four NFL teams with which it has sponsorship deals: the Miami Dolphins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Atlanta Falcons.
Fans in each of these markets (multiple locations in Broward confirmed they have it) can get their hands on these limited-edition Pub subs now through October. If you're a Jaguars fan living in Miami, the good news is, you're still allowed to order the Miami Dolphins Pub sub; the bad news is, you're still a Jacksonville Jaguars fan — because Publix deli sells a lot of things, but solid life decisions are not yet one of them.
So what's in your team's special Pub sub? Let's take a closer look at these exclusive limited-edition NFL city sammies.
The Miami Dolphins sub: $7.99
Ingredients: White sub roll, mayonnaise, Boar’s Head chipotle chicken, shredded lettuce, mango peach salsa, drained and fried maduros plantains.
What they forgot: Anything pickled in Miami Dolphins fan tears. Drew Brees. Molly. Pitbull.
Verdict: That looks disgusting. The Miami Dolphins actually found a way to ruin a Publix sub. It's as if Publix said, "Hey, the Dolphins normally start off well but then blow it at the bed at the end of the season — let's throw bananas on their sandwich to represent that!" Honestly, this sub seems a little racist, like Publix just thinks everyone in Miami is Latin or loves mangoes and peaches. The white sub roll just represents the man, controlling all the minorities — it's more like the Donald Trump sub, to be honest.
#Bucs Publix sub full of a bunch of things thrown together. Makes it kind of weird, scary, unhinged. Like the city of Tampa.— Ken LaVicka (@KLV1063) August 30, 2015
Tampa Bay Buccaneers sub: $7.99
Ingredients: White sub roll, guacamole, Boar’s Head Spicy Jerk Turkey, Boar’s Head Chipotle Gouda, shredded lettuce, mango peach salsa stirred well and lightly crushed plantain chips.
What they forgot: Crab legs, obviously — you really missed a chance to poke some fun at Jameis Winston here, Publix. I feel like Neptune salad would have been a solid low-key jab at Winston on this one. Do better, Publix.
Verdict: Hold the phone! "Jerk" turkey? I see what you did there, Publix — that's an expert troll job right there! That's how you play the game! Has Publix ever been to Tampa? It's like Publix was moving and these were all the things left in the refrigerator. Rule of thumb: Guacamole that comes in a plastic tub should be used only on chips — I'm looking at you, Subway.
Jacksonville Jaguars sub: $7.99
Ingredients: White sub roll, chicken tenders, Boar’s Head bacon, deli imported cheddar cheese, deli sweet coleslaw, and barbecue mayonnaise.
What they forgot: Nothing. This sub sounds glorious — like the owner's mustache. I just want to rub this sandwich all over my face. I bet it smells like drunk sex.
Verdict: I'm fairly certain I would approve of a Publix sub with just sweet coleslaw and barbecue mayonnaise. I have yet to find a picture of this sandwich, but when I do it will be my avatar on every social media platform.
The Atlanta Falcons sub at Publix. I'm down. pic.twitter.com/IN1jQkJzgM— Ashley Holcomb (@ashleyxholcomb) August 30, 2015
Atlanta Falcons sub: $7.99
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Ingredients: White sub roll, sweet maple-flavored chicken tenders, Boar’s Head bacon, Publix mango peach preserves, and sriracha mayonnaise.
What they forgot: The tortilla, because nothing else makes sense here, so why not make this a soft taco instead of a sub? Maybe add some Indian food and lo mein while you're at it, Publix? Why not deep-fry this sandwich and serve it with a cup of Fireball to dip it in? Wait, that last part actually doesn't sound terrible.
Publix definitely should have paired the maple flavor with some sort of waffle ingredient.
Verdict: Just figured it out. This is the Waffle House sub; the mango peach preserves are just in there to avoid a lawsuit. Chicken and waffles Waffle House Atlanta sub would be the most hip-hop sub ever.