Seven New Flavored Waters to Enhance Your Hydration

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At some point, humanity discovered that water was essential to its well-being and that access to clean water was an important block in developing a community. The human body is approximately 60/65 percent water, and as such, its daily intake as a fluid or present in water-rich foods is corporeally necessary for good health. Nothing is quite as a refreshing as an ice-cold glass of water on a hot day after exercising or spending energies in similar activities.

Well, until recently, anyway.

Because for as much as water was perfectly OK, there came a point when humans (read: marketing and ad agencies) decided that water was a tasteless and boring liquid that could cause a complete shutdown of your brain due to its extreme inanity. And that was the rise of the "flavored waters" and hydrolyzing frenzy brought to a satirized light in the cheeky Mike Judge film Idiocracy.

Here are seven new waters looking to revitalize your body with their nutritious and, quite frankly, befuddling taste approaches.

See also: The Pumpkin Spice Condom Is Fake, But This Bacon Flavored Condom is Real

HyDrive Energy Water

This energy water is vaguely reminiscent in shape and colors to others already in the market, but it "combines the light, refreshing tastes of vitamin-enhanced water with the boost of an energy drink." Boasting a paltry 30 calories per bottle and lower sugar content than competitors, HyDrive has added vitamins and nutrients in an assault of revitalization for your body. There are eight flavors, with classics kiwi strawberry, black cherry, blue raspberry, grape, citrus burst, and new combinations like mango peach, triple berry, and honey lemonade.

Vertical Maple Water

America's maple trees are now working in double-time to bring you delicious maple syrup and apparently a much-needed version of maple-flavored water. This company, with its clever name, taps maple trees for a "naturally filtered and enhanced" water "high in antioxidants and manganese to support vitamin absorption." If you're looking for something sweet, this has got to be it. Now you can drink your breakfast/dessert and feel good about it because, well, the manganese is doing all the work for you. Vertical Maple Water, water from a tree.

Aloe Gloe

Interestingly, Aloe Gloe is the least weird entry in this listing. Long-known for its skin-care properties, aloe has recently made its way into drinks and America's kitchens. The makers of Aloe Gloe contend that aloe is also a supporter of immune systems and that it is invaluable in keeping digestive health in check. No word, though, on how it'll impact people who've burned their tongues and/or the roofs of their mouths.

Blk. Water

Taking its cues, clearly, from the black cheeseburger craze that has taken over Japan, Blk. Water makes its dark water not with squid ink but with "alkaline fulvic trace materials and electrolytes that help balance out pH levels." This Guinness-looking water contains more than 60 minerals and might depose those Centrum chewables in your cupboard if proper body alkaline levels are something of a worry to you.


Tying the aloe water for least weird is Caliwater's cactus water. Containing "naturally occurring electrolytes, minerals and flavonoids from cactus water," this product also is heralded for its cleansing and detoxing qualities. "Gluten-free, vegan, and certified Kosher, this water has even been studied as a hangover cure." So's a beer, but there's probably no beer to be found in a cactus if you happen to be stranded in the desert. Wasn't Snoopy's brother Spike always dicking around with a cactus?

Arty Artichoke Water

Easily the cutest in name and packaging, Arty Artichoke Water might actually be a cheaper alternative to buying fresh 'chokes, and let's be honest, we can never seem to steam them just right at home. This veggie-based water contains "phytonutrients and has many health benefits ranging from liver detoxification to immune system protection." Because it also touts itself as an excellent source of fiber and multifunctional hydration, we're unsure if clarified butter will enhance or detract from its many benefits.


The hipster of this crop, with its youthful defiance of vowels, is the duh! candidate of this list since the fruit's water content has been known for ages. So basically, WTRMLN WTR is a type of water that is not a juice and as a cold press has "everything but the skin to preserve the natural sugars, electrolytes, potassium, and citrulline which helps muscles recover after a hard workout." OK, but it still sounds like juice to us.

All of these can be a little overwhelming when it comes to actual nutritional values, and all the claims made are, of course, the sole representative sciences of the manufacturers. Clean Plate Charlie is no research scientist, so know that these will soon be available as hydration choices in your local stores, if they aren't on the shelves already.

Why can't iceberg lettuce be officially declared boring and revamped like this?

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