If you've ever wondered why restaurant workers sometimes want to gouge their own eyes out or shave off all their body hair and stow away on a tramp steamer bound for Guatamala, New York restaurateur Bruce Buschel's pair of blog posts that ran recently in the New York Times (part one is here, part two is here) should give you a pretty good idea.
Titled "One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do," it's a seven-page list of no-nos, better nots, and damned well ought-tos, some of them common sense ("Do not make a singleton feel bad," "Do not bring soup without a spoon"), some of them arbitrary and unrealistic ("Saying, 'no problem' is a problem," "If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill").
However sensible or ridiculous Buschel's rules, though, the overall
effect is more anal than a boxful of butt plugs and in general gives
the idea that waiting tables is like indentured servitude without the
benefits of contracts, a free place to stay, and bonking The Mister's
frustrated wife while he's away on "business."
Having formerly
worked both front and back of the house as a waiter and line cook at
various California restaurants, I really feel for anyone unlucky or
desperate enough to take a job at Buschel's restaurant. So I thought
I'd draw up a modest list of rules for customers. Not 100; trying to
think of a hundred anything makes my hair hurt. But a few rules that
diners might follow to help get the kind of service they desire; also
to keep your waiter or waitress from hacking up a big loogie in your caesar salad.
1. You will treat your server like a human
being. Rudeness, dismissiveness, acting as if they were put on this Earth to kiss your overly entitled ass is punishable by a year's worth
of dining at Chuck E. Cheese. Sans earplugs.
2. You will
eat what the restaurant serves; it is not your personal commissary.
Reasonable requests (sauces on the side, veggie substitutions) are one
thing. Demanding the chef prepare something not on the menu because
that's what you feel like eating is another. Stay home and cook it
yourself.
3. You will not blame servers for things that are
not their fault. They didn't overbook the restaurant so you had to wait
half an hour for your table with reservations. They didn't overcook
your steak or price the entrees at $30 and up. Complain to the source;
find a manager and make his life miserable.
4. You will not
act like a Big Shot. Anyone who's worked in the business has heard some
Know It All whine the equivalent of, "Waiter, my sushi is raw" or
"Waiter, I ordered sweet breads, not these little nugget things" or
"Waiter, I ordered Zinfandel and this wine is red." If you don't know
what a dish or wine is, ask. If you don't ask, keep your mouth
shut and resolve not to be such a doofus next time.
5. You
will not assume that everyone who works in a restaurant is out to steal
your wife, your watch, and your money and sell you into slavery.
They really want you to have a good time. Honest. It makes everybody's
life easier: You get a fun evening; they get paid. You both go home
happy. What's wrong with that?
6. You will tip at least 15
percent, unless service is truly abysmal. Yeah, it sucks that
restaurateurs don't pay their servers a living wage or the tip isn't
included in the bill the way it is in Europe, but that's life in the
big city. Deal with it. Waiting tables is hard work, and a good server
deserves every penny he or she gets. If you're too goddammed cheap to tip
properly... well, there's always Mickey D's.
