Have you been saddled with hosting Easter dinner when you'd much rather spend the day kicking back your misanthropic heels and hiding from the family? Below are ten ways that can all but guarantee that you will never again be asked to host -- or possibly to attend -- a holiday meal with your loved ones:
10. You know a fun surprise that people love? Being asked, on the spot, to say grace. Your older sister's new atheist boyfriend will especially enjoy this honor.
9. At the end of the meal, daintily wipe the corners of your mouth with a linen napkin and say, "It's amazing how reasonably priced food is once it's been recalled. You could hardly even taste the E. coli."
8. Spend the entire day acting as if you're starring in a cooking show, but don't let anyone else in on your "project." Invite guests to help in the kitchen and narrate to the "audience" about everyone's actions and personal affairs. To keep it interesting, switch among various personas throughout the day: Ina Garten (sweet aunt), Rachael Ray (perky college roommate), Gordon Ramsay (verbally abusive high school coach), and so on.
7. Been working on some Charlie Sheen and/or Rebecca Black jokes? A gathering with a captive audience is the perfect opportunity to workshop your new material! Hope everyone's enjoying the wine -- it's meant to represent the blood of the... tiger. Eh? Hey -- where's everyone going?
6. Head to the kids' table and excitedly announce, "Guess who's joining us for dinner? The Easter Bunny!" just before you set down the main course: whole, braised rabbit.
5. The predinner entertainment for all ages: all 127 minutes of The Passion of the Christ. Offer to rewind and replay the most brutal scenes for those who hid their faces in throw pillows the first time around.
4. Form a "ham" out of Spam. Close enough, right?
3. Fill half of the plastic eggs with "kid-friendly treats" like crumbled-up dry-cleaning receipts, expired coupons for denture cream, and Werther's Originals. The other half of the eggs? Super-glue 'em closed.
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2. Leave the cooking up to the Colonel.
1. Forget to buy wine.