The REAL Food Plate

Okay, so last week Big Mommy--I mean, the fed'rull gubmint--unveiled its latest ploy to convince us to eat all the things we really don't want to. It's the Food Plate, called My Plate, the successor to the Food Pyramid, which during its lifetime had about as much influence on the country's dietary habits at that other pyramid at Cheops. 

This Food Plate is divided into four categories: Vegetables, Fruits, Grains and Protein, with a side order of Dairy. Beyond the fact that it ignores the four true basic food groups (and one beverage group too), whoever did the food styling on this one ought to be stuffed inside a Big Mac and flushed through Ronald McDonald's digestive system. The graphic representative of veggies, fruits, grains and protein make them all look like something that came out of the back end of a particularly un-hygienic animal, then sliced, diced, processed and served up to you for dinner. Yum! 

Or not. 

Thankfully, my plate doesn't look anything like My Plate, and I suspect your plate doesn't either. If the feds had any real gonads, they'd come up with a plate that reflected what real Americans actually eat (and crave), beginning with the four basic food groups: Meat, Grease, Stuff and Dessert. Milk, which nobody drinks any more, would be replaced by what everybody drinks nowadays: Booze.  Taking into account regional culinary preferences, these new Food Plates--My and Your Plates--would look something like this: 

Meat: Churrasco
Grease: Fried shrimp
Stuff: Frijoles negros
Dessert: Dulce de leche
Booze: Mojito 

Meat: Pig
Grease: Hush puppies
Stuff: Collard greens
Dessert: Sweet potato pie
Booze: Mint julep 

Meat: Prime dry-aged New York strip
Grease: French fries
Stuff: Creamed spinach
Dessert: Cheesecake Booze:
Single-malt scotch 

Meat: Sausage
Grease: Deep-dish pizza
Stuff: Corn
Dessert: Apple pie
Booze: Beer 

Meat: Boudin 
Grease: Oyster po' boy
Stuff: Red beans 'n' rice
Dessert: Bananas Foster
Booze: Sazerac 

Meat: Grilled hangar steak
Grease: Truffle-Parmesan fries
Stuff: Artichoke
Dessert: Fresh fruit sorbet
Booze: Chardonnay 

Meat: Barbecued pork shoulder
Grease: Foie gras
Stuff: Caesar salad
Dessert: Stinky French cheese
Booze: Burgundy 

What's Your Plate?

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Bill Citara