Forget psychology, astrology, and numerology. If you really want to know what someone is like or whether her or she might be the bread to your mayo, you have to turn to the science of sandwichology.
Yes, the fuck. Did you know that people who prefer club sandwiches are loyal, reliable, and hard-working? Or that turkey sandwich fanciers are free-thinkers who need to be given space in their jobs and relationships? Or that folks with a jones for a tuna sammie are aggressive and achievement-oriented?
But wait, there's more.
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Ham 'n' cheeses are "often independent without strong romantic ties." (Well-acquainted with Mr./Ms. Hand.) Turkey sandwiches are "attracted to other turkey sandwich lovers." (They're narcissists.) Egg salads are "compatible with all sandwich lovers." (Sluts, in a word.) And though you might think that seafood salads and BLTs are as mutually attracted as vegans to a churrascuria, they're actually quite "romantically compatible."
Believe it or not, all this wasn't just pulled out of some nitwit's pastrami on rye. It's actually the result of a study of some 3,000 people conducted by the Chicago-based Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, whose founder and neurological director, Dr. Alan Hirsch, has touted his research everywhere from the New York Times to the Food Network.
What personality type is the consumer of Quizno's large prime rib cheesesteak, with its almost 1,500 calories, 92 grams of fat, and an entire day's worth of sodium? (Hint: Lardass.)