Audio By Carbonatix
‘Tis the season for those fantastic nondenominational holiday office parties. It’s a magical time of year (several weeks before Christmas) when you take a few hours to stop thinking about your family and the friends you care about deeply and focus on celebrating the season with the people you see all day, every weekday of the year.
If you’re lucky, you spend an evening draining the top shelf of an open bar at a swanky place you’d never otherwise see the inside of. If you’re not so lucky, you’ll be wearing a cardboard hat, sipping nonalcoholic punch from a tiny Dixie cup, standing around the reception desk hoping the smelly guy from the other side of the office doesn’t come over and ask you to sit on the Xerox machine.
In honor of this special time — when we are all so vulnerable to speaking our minds — we’ve assembled a list of things you’d never want accidentally slipping out of your mouth. Of course, this isn’t much of a problem at New Times, where all of our bosses are always awesome, especially the ones who may read this.
So here are 30 things you should never say to your boss at the company holiday party:
1) If you think I’m wasted now, you should see me after a long lunch in the parking lot!
2) We should have a No-Pants Day.
3) So I think you should know, I accidentally killed your cat when I broke into your house. Awkward, I know.
4) My wife says I shouldn’t tell you this, but…
5) My therapist says I shouldn’t tell you this, but…
6) My lawyer says I shouldn’t tell you this, but…
7) Your wife says I shouldn’t tell you this, but…
8) Your daughter says I shouldn’t tell you this, but…
9) Your cat — before I killed it — told me I shouldn’t tell you this, but…
10) Ya know, I think you’d do OK in prison.
11) If you ever come over for dinner, you can see the shitty house the lousy salary you give me confines us to.
12) If you ever come over for dinner, you can see my two-story pyramid of Post-Its.
13) If you ever come back over for dinner, I promise there will be no poison and no rope.
14) I have literally been wiping my ass with the memos you’ve sent out over the last few months. Did I miss anything important?
15) Can I draw you?
16) No seriously, take a swing. I want to show you a move I learned.
17) Wanna do a key bump in the bathroom?
18) Just remember, I always have an alibi. Always.
19) I sleep in my car. You really should promote me.
20) When I masturbate on your desk, I imagine Pumbaa from the Lion King.
21) We all hate you. All of us. I’m just saying.
22) You know that sweet, warm, fantastic feeling you get when you eat pumpkin pie? You’re like the total opposite of that.
23) Do you ever smell anything weird on your couch? Because if you do, it wasn’t me. And I’m sorry.
24) How much for your daughter?
25) Wait, you’re really not gay? Like really, really? Can you prove it?
26) I urinated in your coffee every day for a month last summer. I hope next time I have a flat tire you’ll be more considerate.
27) So, what’s the combination to the safe?
28) Don’t you think there should be more sex at office Christmas parties?
29) Sarah Palin would make a better president than you do a boss.
30) Instead of a raise this year, can we just a get a year of you shutting the fuck up?
