Teen Shoots Himself Through the Penis and Testicle

Good morning, Pulpsters! Had breakfast yet? Hope so. Because we got a story about a dude who shot himself in the cock! Happy Wednesday! A Port St. Lucie teen bought himself a gun (always a terrific way to start a story, ain’t it?). So there he was, cleaning his gun,…

Obama Rips the Miami Dolphins on Local Radio

Barack Obama panders to no one! Especially not Dolphins fans because, well, that would be pretty stupid. Because they suck, you see. Obama made an appearance this morning on Pimp With a Limp DJ Laz on 106.7 FM, where he did some campaigning. Because it’s important to reach that Pimp…

Man Arrested for Allegedly Throwing Pizza Slice at Ex-Wife

Pizza is the great divider that will bring our nation down, apparently. A Davie man was arrested for throwing a slice of pizza at his ex-wife. Police say they arrested 54-year-old Jerry Najman Monday and charged him with battery after a fight with his ex, Sasha Najman, ended with his…

Obama Bear-Hug Pizza Guy Says His Shop Is Now Facing Boycotts

Democrats hate freedom and love terrorists! You wanna do it up like a real ‘Merican? Do what Republicans do: Call for boycotting a small business. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! Scott Van Duzer, the Fort Pierce owner of Big Apple Pizza & Pasta Restaurant, who recently gained fame for bear-hugging President Obama,…

Kim Rothstein’s Ring Is Valued at $450 Grand

Convicted Ponzi plotter Scott Rothstein’s wife, Kim, and her three friends were charged with conspiracy to commit money laundering last week. Kim and her pals allegedly hid more than a million bucks worth of jewelry from Uncle Sam, including a giant, wrist-spraining, 12.08-carat diamond ring. Turns out that there was…

Pizza Guy Who Bear-Hugged Obama Is Famous Now

See also: Obama Bear-Hug Pizza Guy Says His Shop Is Now Facing Boycotts Remember the dude who owns a pizza joint and bear-hugged the president yesterday and miraculously didn’t get taken down by a swarm of Secret Service agents? That dude is totally famous now. Port St. Lucie resident Scott Van Duzer…

Allen West Did That Thing Where He Insinuated Obama Is a Commie, Again

The sun rises, the sun sets, Allen West sees communists in his Cheerios. It’s all part of the fabric of life, the universe, and everything. In a speech before the Republican Jewish Coalition yesterday, Rep. West said that Obama’s 2012 campaign slogan, “Forward,” is actually a supersecret subconscious Commie Marxist…

A Police Officer in Obama’s Motorcade Was Struck and Killed

Well now, this is awful. Jupiter Police Officer Bruce St. Laurent, who was riding in a motorcade for President Obama as the president was on his way to the Palm Beach County Convention Center yesterday, was struck and killed by a vehicle. According to Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman…

Dolphins Get Batted Down by Texans 30-10

Well, that went exactly as one would have expected things to go. The Miami Dolphins headed into Houston for Sunday’s opening game of the 2012 NFL season and promptly got their assholes blown apart by the Texans in a 30-10 beatdown. The encouraging thing was that rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill…

Obama: “We Win Florida, We Win the Election”

President Obama was in Florida yesterday during a bus tour, hitting up Melbourne and West Palm Beach and inexplicably getting a bear hug from a pizza guy. Obama spoke to roughly 6,000 people at the Palm Beach County Convention Center, telling them that if he can win Florida, he will…

Florida Cop Makes Assassination Comment About Obama on Facebook

Like most of us watching President Obama’s DNC speech last night, Sarah Coursey, a Tavares City policewoman, took to the interwebs and hit up her favorite social media site to talk about it. Unlike most of us, however, she made an assassination comment about the president. And things went about…

Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Preview: Innovators of Suck

Your Miami Dolphins are set to kickoff the 2012 season this Sunday at Houston (a team, incidentally, they have never beaten ever in the entire existence of American tackle football history). If you haven’t noticed, we’re living in the golden age of pass-first football. Passing records are falling by the…

Doctor Accused of Beating a Dog to Death Kills Himself

Last week, Isaias Lerner-Biber, a South Florida cardiologist who worked with the South Broward Physicians Group in Coconut Creek, was arrested for beating a dog to death with a hammer. He was released from jail on Wednesday. The very next day, he shot himself in the head. Lerner-Biber had been…

Bill Clinton Just Might Win Obama Florida

In case you missed it, Bill Clinton had a few billion things to say last night during his DNC speech. The former president spoke for approximately 48 minutes (and might still be talking right now, so somebody better check). But it’s all good, baby. Because America loves Bubba. He’s become the…

Red Sox Fan Who Robbed Boca Raton Bank in Custody, According to FBI

Myles Dowling of Newton Massachusetts was arrested for robbing a PNC Bank in Boca Raton last week, according to an FBI criminal complaint filed in federal court. The complaint says Dowling demanded money from the tellers using a black revolver handgun, and then took off in a four-door 2000 Honda…