Dear Mexican: I have very, very light skin because of my Scandinavian heritage. Around Halloween, someone asked me if it was white-face makeup. Why is it that Mexican men find my pallor so fascinating? — Fair Maiden Dear Gabacha: BECAUSE YOU’RE WHITE. Mexicans love gabachos even though you’ve fucked our…

Dear Mexican: How can you explain the disparity between Japan and Mexico? Japan is a nation a fraction the size of Mexico, with zero natural resources, suffered a devastating war of four years that included two atom bombs, yet has reached the highest in educational achievements, technological advancements and economic…

Dear Mexican: I once got into a fight with a cholo. We beat the crap out of each other but when all was said and done, I kicked his ass harder than he kicked mine and the cholo ran off swearing and spitting. I assumed the matter was settled but…

Dear Readers: Folks went loco following my September 7 column that blamed Chicano studies for spawning a generation of humorless activists and “corrupt[ing] the brains of young Mexicans with antiquated concepts like victimization, objectification and grade inflation.” Too many letters and comments from professors, activists and Zach de la Rocha…

Dear Mexican: I have a stupid, unemployed, 16-year-old gang-bangin’ cousin who already dropped out of school, and I’m pretty sure most Mexicans are related to somebody who fits that description. About eight months ago, he knocked up a girl around his age, so last week I was dragged to their…

Dear Mexican: I see Jews, Asians, and Persians making something of themselves and conducing safe, walkable communities. Of course they’re not perfect, but I don’t see high Jew-crime communities either. I see these people sticking together and helping each other out instead of envying their own. Why can’t Mexicans get…

Dear Mexican: My gabacha friends and I marched in the May pro-amnesty rallies and wanted to show our support on our chests as well as our feet. We wore T-shirts that read, “I only (picture of big, juicy lips) mojados” on the front, and “Yo solo (lips) mojados” on the…

Dear Mexican: I heard that Mexicans at an Orange County candy factory think they saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of melted chocolate. Why do Mexicans always see the Virgin Mary in the stupidest things? — Non-Believer Beaner Dear Wab: It’s not just Mexicans who find the Holy Mother…

Dear Mexican: What’s with Mexican-Americans who live in New Mexico claiming they’re Spanish and not Mexican? Many actually get angry and combative if you ask them if they’re Mexican. But if you look at them, they look more Indian than Spanish! Why have so many developed a deep-seated embarrassment of…

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans forget about great beers like Tecate, Negra Modelo, and Bohemia and start drinking swill like Bud Light when they come to the United States? I always remember John Steinbeck’s immortal line — “Ah, Bohemia beer and the Pyramid of the Sun; entire civilizations have created…

The last two movies I attended were rated R. Sitting around me were Mexican families with very young children. Why do Mexicans bring their 8-year-old kids to see a movie like Hostel? Do Mexican parents just not give a shit or can they not afford a babysitter? Plus, the Mexicans…

The Mexican presidential elections have been a freaking mess. I voted for the conservative candidate, Felipe Calderón, who almost everyone agrees won the election. But the leftist Andrés Manuel López Obrador is making a mess out of this by claiming electoral fraud. Does the Mexican have an opinion of Mexican…

I just don’t get Mexicans and their grooming. The men slick their hair with baby oil, gel, or Vaseline or just shave it all off. The women wear it in pony tails with a neon green hair band or in pigtails or wear bangs created with the biggest curling iron…

I’m a culturally sensitive, PC Asian-American who laughed my head off at Jack Black’s imitation of a Mexican in Nacho Libre. Is this wrong? — Vietnammy Mammy Dear Chinita: Wrong? Of course not. While Latino activists weep and moan about how gabachos like Jack Black reduce Mexicans to stock characters…

Why do Mexicans traditionally like Chevys? Did Chevy once target the Mexican consumer base for some reason and it worked? — Pocho in a Pontiac Dear Pocho, An urban legend suggests that Mexicans don’t like Chevys (pronounced with a harsh “ch” as in “chicken” and “chupacabra,” gracias) because the auto…

I caught your appearance on the June 19 edition of The Colbert Report. I admire your insight and cultural references, but I noticed you mispronounced the Spanish word “patience.” You told Colbert that the word was pacencia instead of the correct word paciencia. Why do assimilated Mexicans lose their language…

Why do Mexican soccer fans chant “Osama! Osama!” when their side plays the United States? You don’t hear American soccer fans yell “¡La migra!” — White Boy Dash Dear Gabacho, You think hurling bin Laden’s name is tasteless? How about the Daily Mail columnist who, on the day England faced…