For the spray-paint set, the unmarked concrete alleys in Miami’s Wynwood District are as alluring as the empty Sistine Chapel ceiling must have been to Michelangelo. The whole neighborhood is a blank canvas, begging to get tagged. And during Art Basel week, vanloads of graffiti vets and muralists did just…

Once upon a time, we were all born naked. But just as soon as our asses hit the wind, society swaddled us up in rules and norms and regulations like, “Hey, these are clothes; wear them outside or go to jail.” What with all the pressure to keep our balls,…

Back in 2005, Chris Tucker got pulled over by the no-good fuzz for driving 109 miles per hour down a Georgia highway in his Bentley Continental. Supposedly, he told the cops he was in a rush because he was late for church. He still got arrested. And then the next…

This former Golden Gloves boxing contender is famous for his hit TV show, more than 25 film roles, and a lifetime ban from Saturday Night Live. Hecklers, beware of comedian Martin Lawrence. Not only is he a knockout performer; he’s physically capable of kicking your ass. He throws a mean…

A seven trey Chevrolet walks up to a ’66 Bonneville, spits on its windshield, kicks it in the rims, rips off its spoiler, breaks an axle, and smashes dents in the doors. The Bonneville strikes back, chucking spark plugs through the windows, cutting off the break lines, snatching out the…

The wildlife is tough for a real party animal. One time, our friend the zebra walked into a bar and asked, “Can I get a red stripe?” The bartender looked up and said, “We don’t serve Jamaicans here.” We got a llama to spit in his face. So far, we’ve…

Even the antichrist loves Santa’s Enchanted Forest (7900 Bird Road, Miami) — hey, switch a couple of letters in the fat man’s name and you’re talking about the lord of the underworld anyway. Twenty-eight years into Tropical Park’s festival of a million lights, “Let’s go to Santa’s” is still a…

Halloween just hasn’t been that scary since New Times’ iPhone fell into a construction ditch. When we climbed down to retrieve it, we tripped on a shovel, mountains of earth collapsed on us, and dirt filled our lungs. That’s when we noticed the dead body next to us and the…

We have been up all night, Miami and I, burning with the fury of a river full of fire and derailing dawn’s offensive, pondering about the Wolfsonian’s new exhibition, “Speed Limits.” It’s on the 100th anniversary of Italian Futurism, and while the futurist movement might celebrate speed, tonight ain’t over…

E-pills sold on the streets of South Florida may be funding the purchase of missiles and sex slaves in foreign countries, but most people rolling their face off at 3 a.m. in the 305 just don’t seem to care. Well, drugs are bad, and now you don’t need them. Club…

Whether it’s crystal meth or driving fast, the quest for speed ain’t cheap. Unless, of course, you plan on sucking drug fumes through a pen tube out of a butane-torched, upside-down light bulb. But that’ll keep you up for days, make your teeth fall out, and have you robbing grannies…

For some folks, Monday Night Raw is the night of the week that’s set aside for sex without contraceptives. And for the men and women of the WWE, it’s almost the same, except with a thin layer of spandex covering their you-know-whats, million-dollar pyrotechnics, and an arena full of fans…