Several weeks ago, we made a terrible mistake, one that warranted immediate regret. We asked to start receiving Gov. Rick Scott’s news releases. And then came a deluge of good news. If we hadn’t known any better, we would have thought Rick Scott was doing something, well, not evil. Which…
So that was fast. One month after Lacey Byrd, a West Palm Beach fashionista, announced she was running for Riviera Beach City Council, she allegedly thrashed her husband, got tossed in jail for a night, and upon her exit last Saturday immediately dropped out of the race. “After careful consideration,…
So, it’s New Year’s Eve. And yes, it’s 9 a.m. But we can only assume that you’re already wasted. And this — this is a good thing. What’s terrible, however, is that you’re lost somewhere amid the throngs of corporate America, hammered drunk, perhaps irritated these pussies you work with…
This one’s embarrassing. Chris Siegert, quite possibly the most failed social media actor in internet history, has many problems. One of them being he makes model Ghostbuster cars — WHILE ON VACATION — that flash: “Ghostbusters.” Another one being that he’s tried hundreds of times to start conversations on Twitter…
It was midday at Miami International Airport when a scraggly, intense kid with a face like a razor blade unfurled a small rug and knelt, forehead to the floor, and then performed the Muslim rite of salah. “God is great,” he murmured. “God is great.” The sounds of the chants…
Most people won’t notice a difference. Really, who would? The bylines hide between the headlines and the article, and besides, the entire intent of journalism isn’t the writers but the stories. So, maybe, people won’t notice. But they should. In the wake of Newsweek’s last issue and the Miami Herald’s…
Christmas Day. Now is the time to spend time with family, read a book, listen to Christmas jams, open gifts, and, if you’re a South Florida celebrity living in a postmodern age, reach for your Twitter feed to dispatch the good tidings. Because apparently it’s not Christmas unless it’s an…
Listen close, junior terrorists. How do you, aspiring distributor of chaos and mayhem, orchestrate something that will stir things up — really get your jihad on — when you’re stuck in the middle of suburbia, without a car, money, and your mom blows? Well, al-Qaeda is here to help. And…
It took more than six months to coax Diane Carle out of her home. Authorities had heard complaints for weeks about all the filthy cats roaming her front porch, and no one had seen inside her house — not ever. But when authorities finally obtained probable cause for animal cruelty…
Ken Dandar doesn’t trust anybody. Not after all the spies searched his trash. Not after the interlopers dialed his office, pretending to be somebody else. Not after he took on Scientology in one of the biggest legal clashes in the church’s history. So when we called Dandar last week, he thought we were…
At 9 one Saturday morning in mid-August, David Parga threw back the barn doors at his Southwest Ranches farm to a surprise. Marco, one of his two horses, was gone. Parga’s first thought: Someone has stolen Marco — or maybe, by some measure of equine wizardry, Marco escaped. He was…
For once, we’ve found common ground with debt collectors: Broward County Republican Chairman Rico Petrocelli is impossible to get on the telephone and won’t return calls. At least when the calls refer to his crushing debt. Petrocelli is mad broke. He filed for bankruptcy in November of last year –…
Weird? Yes. But there’s been weirder. A few days ago, the carcass of a 40-foot sperm whale — open-mouthed and oozing — beached along Deerfield Beach’s shore, and the locals got all huffy and melodramatic over the remnants of this mammoth oceanic creature. Some local conservationists wanted to keep the…
Ken Dandar doesn’t trust anybody. Not after all the spies searched his trash. Not after the interlopers dialed his office, pretending to be somebody else. Not after he took on Scientology in one of the biggest legal clashes in the church’s history. So when we called Dandar last week, he…
At 9 one Saturday morning in mid-August, David Parga threw back the barn doors at his Southwest Ranches farm to a surprise. Marco, one of his two horses, was gone. Parga’s first thought: Someone has stolen Marco — or maybe, by some measure of equine wizardry, Marco escaped. He was…
You know what the worst thing in the world is? When some yuppie New York schmuck wearing designer Gucci-whatever tells you how shitty you look. Worse still, when that New York douche bag has access to a wide audience to critique your awful appearance. And you know what makes us…
Over several weeks in early 2010, then-Governor Crist unleashed a series of tweets condemning President Obama’s prospective health care reform bill. To Crist — yes, the other Crist — enacting ObamaCare would only constitute “the beginning.” He said “Americans deserve better than this.” He launched a petition to stop “health…
Coral Springs Pig Battle Rages On
Federal Terror Suspect Seems More Frat Boy Than Deadly Mastermind
Dear Reader, We at the New Times rarely have essential life advice to depart, but this is one of those occasions. If there is ever a circumstance in which you’re charged with some sort of salacious crime — like, say, HAVING SEX WITH YOUR STUDENT — please, for the love…
By now, it’s pretty clear what’s to happen. Charlie Crist is running for governor — and, in a way, this has been obvious for some time. But it only became inescapably obvious a few days after Election Day. When Crist got a telephone call. It was from President Barack Obama…
Update February 4, 2013: Heather Ray disputes Goehrig’s version of events. She contends that she first wrote e-mails to the city announcing her intention to get a therapy pig, and the city told her it was not allowed. She claims she then researched the Americans with Disabilities Act and spoke…
