So it’s come to this. The Sun Sentinel, that bastion of muckrakery and insight, has now begun dabbling in what appears to be — yes — freestyle beat poetry about the tragic arc of the Christmas tree. Its merits aren’t immediately discernible, because the poem hides among the column inches…
One month from now, something very unusual — and very, very Florida — will occur in the Everglades, representing a metaphoric clash of man and beast: the Burmese python challenge. Its requests are simple. Kill as many snakes as you can. No, no, no. Don’t worry. You don’t need a…
Over the past few weeks, as the political yammering mercifully subsided and we sank into the offseason for national intrigue and drama, out of the quiet rose the name Jack Seiler. That’s because Fort Lauderdale’s mayor is mulling a run at governor. And though that 2014 election may seem as…
Prominent Brazilian banker Igor Cornelsen, who spends half of his year in Boca Raton, will hand over $5.1 million to settle a Securities and Exchange Commission complaint that he had illegally traded Burger King stock, the oversight committee announced this week. Yes, a classic case of whopper speculation gone awry…
Our crack investigative team has uncovered startling information relating to Oakland Park terrorist suspect Sheheryar Qazi. He appears to be a bro — that certain genus of man subsisting purely on Jägerbombs and skank — plays warfare videogames on X-Box, and frequently tries to sell traumatically ugly bikes on Craigslist…
Over the last few weeks, as the political yammering mercifully subsided and we sank into the off-season of national intrigue and drama, out of the quiet rose the name Jack Seiler. That’s because Fort Lauderdale’s mayor is mulling a run at governor. And though that 2014 election may seem as…
With tensions continuing to writhe in the Middle East as Israel and Palestine fall into an uneasy calm, a group of Zionist Jews in South Florida condemns both the cease fire between the neighbors as well as the United Nations’ decision yesterday to award Palestine the status of nonmember observer…
In the wake of President Barack Obama’s recent victory, the Federal Emergency Management Agency may soon open “concentration camps” — some of which are in South Florida — to detain anyone who disagrees with the government authority, Everett Wilkinson, chairman of South Florida’s Tea Party, told New Times Thursday. “There…
The good news: You can still get absolutely wasted at all your favorite Native American hangouts — and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop you. The bad news: All we had to do was sacrifice our society’s guiding sense of accountability. Earlier this week, the United States Supreme Court…
Charlie Crist, who jetted all over the state and nation in the days and weeks before Election Day, is not in line to snare any Cabinet positions in a new Obama administration — at least, not that Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz has heard. Sorry, Charlie. Can’t get no love. The…
On Saturday, something seemingly wrought from a time forgotten will emerge and rumble down the track at Gulfstream Casino to the delight of almost no one. Today, we bear witness to the fetid remains of a once-proud sport: horseracing. Yes, the sport will ultimately limp on, but it will do…
Ensconced in some Tallahassee conference room, how state officials must have pictured it: An anonymous Florida woman receives a questionnaire in the mail and gets comfortable — gets intimate — perhaps sloshing some red into a glass, laying down an Erykah Badu track, and pulling out her pen to spill…
Last night, as your father finally wrenched himself free from the turkey carcass, no one could believe it. No, they gasped. The day after Thanksgiving? You have to work? Yes, you replied. And now, here you are: working. How the empty office cubicles do mock you. Everyone — especially your…
President Barack Obama had just trounced Mitt Romney, but he was still frustrated. You could hear it. “I want to thank every American who participated in this election, whether you voted for the very first time or waited in a line for a very long time.” Pause. “By the way,…
A few days ago, Jill Kelley’s sister — the one Charlie Crist most positively never ever dated — retained celebrity attorney Gloria Allred for reasons unknown. So, we decided to ask. Why did Natalie Khawam enlist someone so high-profile? Allred has represented Nicole Simpson’s family against OJ, a Chicago woman…
After only two years, Richard DeNapoli is done. Chairing the perennially underachieving Broward County Republicans — like coaching any team that sucks — hasn’t been easy, and DeNapoli, who’s a tad thin-skinned, won’t seek reelection. “It’s not a glamorous position,” he said, adding he’s taking a position in another part…
Election night, Chicago. President Barack Obama had just trounced Mitt Romney, but he’s still frustrated. You can hear it. “I want to thank every American who participated in this election, whether you voted for the very first time or waited in a line for a very long time.” Pause. “By…
Earlier this month, we told you about a guy named Trevor Allen. Then, it was over a video in which Allen seemed to beat up a 12-year-old student, and that despite this evidence, no one had investigated Allen. Well, now Broward County School District has suspended Allen. But this investigation…
On May 17, inside a red-roofed mansion in a whitewashed enclave of properties in Boca Raton called Whisper Walk, the lights were low. Mitt Romney was talking, and atop a table cluttered with napkins, candles, and water, a video recorder blinked to life. The candidate appeared relaxed, for once among…
TAMPA BAY — The unfolding Washington scandal that has already cost Gen. David Petreaus his job and may well do the same to General John Allen, just enveloped our former governor Charlie Crist. The Daily Telegraph of London has recently reported that Crist dated the identical twin sister of Jill…
Everybody, be cool. Now that might be a little hard, considering all the baggage that comes with Broward County and elections, but let’s for a moment — just a moment — think rationally. By the end of yesterday, the county Supervisor of Elections had tabulated all of the 1,000 heretofore-unaccounted…
Over the weekend, the New York Post’s Page Six reported that Marc Leder (yes, that Marc Leder, the one who threw the “47 percent” fundraiser for Mittington at his Boca pad) has fathered a secret love child. Now, this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. For one, Leder absolutely…
