Mitt Romney Wins Debate by Way of Lies, Lies, and More Lies

Wake up this morning and the consensus is that Mittington Willard Romnom RoboRomney Mittbot won the first presidential debate over Velvet Thunder Barack. Most pundits on Twitter and your mother agree. Romney was feisty, aggressive, kind of a dick, and on the offense. Meanwhile, Obama was a big giant fart sound…

Manatee Molester Turns Herself In to Authorities

Yesterday we told you about a lady who tried dry-humping riding a manatee like a horse and then disappeared into the ether. Pinellas County Sheriff’s deputies were not amused and announced that they were on the lookout for the manatee molester. “Go ride a Jet-Ski. Don’t use animals. She needs…

Marco Rubio Gets After Joe Biden’s Latest Gaffe

Crazy Uncle Joe was campaigning in Charlotte on Tuesday and did that thing where he said stuff that makes Democrats smack themselves on the forehead. Speaking of Mitt Romney and how he and Paul Ryan would raise taxes on the middle class, Biden said, “How they can justify… raising taxes…

Matt Drudge “Unearths” Another Dumb Video of Obama Saying Stuff

When a video of Mittington Mittbot saying rich douchey things about the majority of Americans to other rich people surfaced a couple of weeks back, Matt Drudge released a 14-year-old video of President Obama saying “redistribution” a lot of times. When that failed to anger America and force an impeachment,…

Dwyane Wade Leaving Jordan Brand for Chinese Company

Dwyane Wade is officially switching shoe brands. Wade, who has been with Jordan Brand since 2010, is going to start endorsing Beijing-based footwear and apparel company Li-Ning. According to a source, Wade will be leaving Jordan Brand and joining up with Li-Ning, which is the number-two brand in China after…

Accused Manatee Molester Is on the Loose in St. Petersburg

Pinellas County Sheriff’s deputies are asking the public to help them catch an accused manatee molester. An unidentified woman is wanted for violating the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act, which states that it is illegal for people to “intentionally or negligently” attempt to “molest, harass, or disturb any manatee.” According to…

Man Inherits Huge Clown Collection

Well now, this is kinda terrifying. Richard Levine of Fort Lauderdale was living his life, minding his own business, when he suddenly inherited 13,000 clown items. Levine got the collection after his father-in-law and business partner died two years ago. The warehouse of nightmare fuel includes clown dolls with happy…

Man Arrested for Bringing Gun Into Holy Land Experience

You would think this would be the one theme park that would allow — even encourage — arms. Because of God and guns and all. But… yeah, no. Not the case.A New Jersey man was arrested Sunday for attempting to bring a gun inside the Holy Land Experience theme park…

LeBron James Is Apparently A Heroin Brand Name

Upper Darby police in Philadelphia busted a major heroin dealer who who reportedly had 140 packets of smack labeled, “LeBron James.” The packets include a silhouette of a man dunking a basketball. Kind of like Michael Jordan’s Jumpman logo, except with dark circles around the eyes, constant licking of the…

Palm Beach Failing to Make a Profit with Red-light Traffic Cameras

Big Brother is watching. But Big Brother owes money.Those traffic light cameras that flash two seconds after you’ve run the red were supposed to pay bug for local governments. Instead, not so much is the case. According to county administrators, the county owes more than what it’s taking in. The 10 cameras…

Allen West Down By 9 to Patrick Murphy In Latest Poll

According to a poll taken for the Democratic group House Majority PAC by Garin-Hart-Yang Research, Allen West is trailing challenger Patrick Murphy 52 percent to 43 percent. THAT RESEARCH FIRM IS COMMUNISSS!! Last week, West’s campaign released their own poll showing the congressman leading Murphy by nine. Another GOP-leaning poll…

Ryan Tannehill Sets Rookie Record, Dolphins Still Lose

Ryan Tannehill threw for 431 yards. Brian Hartline caught 12 passes for 253 yards. Cameron Wake registered four sacks. And yet the Miami Dolphins still found a way to dip their balls in the soft serve ice cream machine and lose to the Arizona Cardinals 24-21 in overtime. It was…

Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals Preview

Remember when the 2012 NFL schedule was released and everybody saw Arizona on it and were all, LOLOLOL we’re so gonna win that game? So much for that. The Cardinals are currently one of two undefeated teams at 3-0, in first place in their division, and a solid home team…

Puppy That Was Buried Alive Rescued by Police

Some asswipe in Williston, Florida, decided it would be a good idea to bury a two-week-old puppy alive.However, the puppy was found, dug up, and rescued by police, and he appears to be doing fine, making this the most horrible/adorable story you’ll hear all day…

Rick Scott Continues Dumb Voter-Purge Crusade

Rick Scott is back on the voter-purge horse because Rick Scott is a voter fraud crusader! *Trumpet blast* On Wednesday, state officials sent local elections supervisors a list of 198 people on the voter rolls who are supposedly noncitizens. The state said about 38 of those registered voters had cast…