Remember when Charlie Crist used to be a Republican? Well Charlie Crist does. And he thinks it used to be pretty great. And then Barack Obama went and hugged him and got his government take over stank all over Crist and ruined a perfectly good Republican.
Because of this treachery, the GOP branded Crist with the SOCIALIST letter, and the former Florida governor went and became an Independent.
Well, last night Charlie was back. And this time, he brought his tanned face, white hair, and his -- let's call it fastidious -- disposition and delivered a speech at the DNC that spoke of his reasons for endorsing Obama, as well as his reasons for leaving the Republican Party, who totally act like they don't know who he is while simultaneously calling him a traitor.
Crist didn't come to pussyfoot around, either. The man brought down the white velvety hammer, by quoting the one person Republicans revere slightly more than Ayn Rand, yet a tad less than Jesus: Ronald Reagan.
"Half a century ago, Ronald Reagan, the man whose relentless optimism was inspiring to me to enter politics, famously said that he didn't leave the Democratic Party, but the party left him," Crist said. "Listen, I can relate. I didn't leave the Republican Party; it left me."
Boom shaka-laka, Republicans. YOU'VE JUST BEEN REAGAN'D.
Crist singled out Romney and Ryan, telling everyone that the two candidates represent the same old GOP politics (i.e.-- getting buckets of money from rich assholes):
"As a former lifelong Republican, it pains me to tell you that today's Republicans -- and their standard-bearers, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan -- just aren't up to the task," Crist said. "They're beholden to 'my way or the highway' bullies, indebted to billionaires who bankroll ads and allergic to the very idea of compromise."
Ah, but Crist didn't stop there. He came at Romney like a well-tanned spider monkey, saying that the Republican ticket will dismantle entitlement programs, especially in Florida with all the old people. That's right, old people. Charlie ain't forget you:
"When I look at the Republican ticket today, I see two candidates who would break the fundamental promise of Medicare and Social Security and cut investments in our middle class which are so important to our recovery," he said.
Crist then brought up the infamous hug (HUG-GATE):
"One of [Obama's] first trips in office brought him to Fort Myers, Fla., where I was proud to embrace him and his plan to keep our teachers, police and firefighters on the job," Crist said. "Well, that hug caused me more grief from my party than you can ever imagine."
HA HA HA because of all the gay rumors. Oh, wait. No, that's not right. Because the GOP hate Obama. That's it. Sorry. Uh... moving on!
"I'll be honest with you, I don't agree with President Obama about everything," he said. "But I've gotten to know him, I've worked with him, and the choice is crystal clear."
I know him. I dig him. He's cool.
Of course the two big questions from seeing Crist at the convention is A.) how much do the Republicans hate him, really? And B.) Is this all a setup to run against Rick Scott as a Democrat?
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Crist remains silent on the second issue. But the first issue is pretty clear: the Republicans hate the shit out of Charlie Crist.
"The line that stood out to me was when he said the Republican Party left him," GOP party chair Lenny Curry said after the speech. "That's a lie. Charlie Crist left the Republican Party because he knew he couldn't win an election for U.S. Senate. That's the most glaring thing we heard tonight."
If he told you he broke up with me, he's totally lying. I broke up with him. He's such a loser, you guys.