There was a lot speculation on who the big supersecret "surprise" speaker at the RNC would be.
Would it be Sarah Palin?
A hologram of Ronald Reagan?
Perhaps a James Polk puppet?
Because, as it turns out, the big secret surprise guest that got all the GOPers in a tizzy was a chair.
But, mostly, a chair.
Eastwood was brought in to show how the GOP and the RNC can flex their muscles. This was Dirty Harry, for shitsake. The Man With No Name. The Guy Who Fist-Fought With an Orangutang. LET'S FUCKING DO THIS, REPUBLICANS. WE BUILT THIS.
But Eastwood's speech quickly devolved into equal parts weird, sad, bizarre and WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING? sprinkled in with some old-man grizzle.
Clint's big plan: To improvise a conversation with an invisible Barack Obama sitting in a chair. Like Elijah! Or... something.
It's one thing to treat the RNC like an improvisational class at your community college. It's another to creep the shit out of all of America. Yet here he was.
The man of the hour.
Talking to an empty chair.
It's crazy to think that a guy like Eastwood, who was so fucking cool because he said few words and then shot dudes in the face with a badass sneer, has now suddenly become a punch line for talking TO A GODDAMNED CHAIR.
I mean, look at this one nutty moment (and there are so many!) from the speech: "You're crazy, you're absolutely crazy. You're getting as bad as Biden. Of course we all know Biden is the intellect of the Democratic Party. Kind of a grin with a body behind it."
A grin with a body behind it? The fuck is that? As opposed to a grin with a foot behind it? Or a grin with a tire iron behind it? Any random shit that makes zero sense, basically. Yet, the empty chair with the invisible president is crazy.
Even Romney's aides were wincing backstage at all the nuttery.
The good news in all this is that Eastwood's speech launched memes and twitter feeds and jokes that will last a very long time because the internet is awesome.
There's "Eastwooding," which is just people tweeting pictures of themselves or others beside an empty chair.
There's a Twitter feed called Empty Chair.
And a hilarious one called Invisible Obama.
Oh, internet. Don't ever change.
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So, to recap: The image of a beloved Hollywood icon tough guy as an old man bitching to a chair about unemployment is not the way to swing the votes your way.
Or perhaps the whole thing is a secret genius GOP plot to win over the senior citizens of Florida...
"I yell at my lamp all the time!" an old lady probably said. "I'm voting Romney!"