If there's one thing the Florida zoophilia movement needed, it's a celebrity endorsement, and they got it Wednesday when Billy the Marlin came out publicly. In an ad printed Wednesday in the Sun-Sentinel, Billy is seen, well, hell, I can't describe it, and you've probably stopped reading this sentence anyway and started wondering what the deuce is happening in that photo.
Which is a good question. Which is why I called the Marlins' front office yesterday. Actually, I left messages for no fewer than four Marlins spokespersons, which is media jargon for someone who won't call you back when you leave a message on his answering machine about whether the team's mascot is a zoophile.
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Sure, you might be thinking, as I first did, that said ad might have simply been a photo that accidentally looks like Billy's doing something illegal in most ballparks. But then I noticed the all-confirming headline: "To the world champs... Beware of dogs... and Marlins!"
The message there is clear. Hey, Phillies players, don't dare bring your dogs to Dolphin Stadium or Billy will put a ball gag in Fido's mouth and, well again, I can't bring myself to type it. But we do know that baseball loves statistics, and the statisticians don't need to confirm this record: The Marlins apparently have the world's first out zoophile as a mascot.