Marlins Mascot Apparently Comes Out as Zoophile
If there's one thing the Florida zoophilia movement needed, it's a celebrity endorsement, and they got it Wednesday when Billy the Marlin came out publicly. In an ad printed Wednesday in the Sun-Sentinel, Billy is seen, well, hell, I can't describe it, and you've probably stopped reading this sentence anyway and started wondering what the deuce is happening in that photo.
Which is a good question. Which is why I called the Marlins' front office yesterday. Actually, I left messages for no fewer than four Marlins spokespersons, which is media jargon for someone who won't call you back when you leave a message on his answering machine about whether the team's mascot is a zoophile.
Sure, you might be thinking, as I first did, that said ad might have simply been a photo that accidentally looks like Billy's doing something illegal in most ballparks. But then I noticed the all-confirming headline: "To the world champs... Beware of dogs... and Marlins!"
The message there is clear. Hey, Phillies players, don't dare bring your dogs to Dolphin Stadium or Billy will put a ball gag in Fido's mouth and, well again, I can't bring myself to type it. But we do know that baseball loves statistics, and the statisticians don't need to confirm this record: The Marlins apparently have the world's first out zoophile as a mascot.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Broward / Palm Beach, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.