December 25, 2009 | 1:51pm
So it's the day after Christmas. During the week leading up to the Big Day, you got cards, notes of gratitude, maybe a bonus from your boss, and presents from friends, family, and colleagues. Now comes the hard part.
It's the day after. You have to figure out what to do with all this stuff.
Here's what I do, after sorting through the gifts and deciding what I actually want, what I'm going to eat, and what I don't want to keep. The "don't keep" pile should be segregated into "has tags, I can return it" and "they cut off the tags, I'm F-ed" groups.
The first group is obvious. After the first of the year, when the "return it so I can start paying off my credit cards now" rush is over, you can easily return those gifts for cash or store credit.
Now, here's what to do with the non-returnables.
1. Find a Target
No, not a store with a big red thing, but a target-target. You know, someone/thing to aim at. For those gifts that were just plain stupid like for the guy who gave you the nut-laden fruitcake even though you're allergic to nuts, this is the solution.
Yep, you guessed it: target the S-O-B. When he least expects it, drill him with the (unwrapped and decidedly messy) fruitcake. Make sure to duck so he doesn't know where it came from. Video for YouTube is also a bonus option.
2. Go Skeet Shooting
Did you get a bunch of Celine Dion and Dead Milkmen CDs from people who haven't learned what Amazon and iTunes gift cards are for? Right. Well, keep the cool Milkmen stuff, but take those Dion, Princess of Wailing discs out and do something constructive.
I recommend skeet shooting. It's a fun, relaxing, and entertaining endeavor. Plus, watching those CDs burst when they're hit squarely with a load of bird shot? Awesome.
Make note of who gave you that lame sweater with the giant reindeer on it. You know, the one that they probably got from Old Navy for $3? Ya, that fugly thing made of yarn (you hope). This one falls into the ìrevenge is a dish best served cold category. Eventually, that dolt who gave you this is going to have a birthday. At the very least, next Christmas will come around. Then... pounce! Regift that crappy gift right back to the thoughtless jerk who gave it to you and ruined your whole day.
4. Sell it on eBay
That crappy iPhone case your so-called friend gave you? It'll sell on eBay. The ugly ones with all the tassels and bangels are popular in Malaysia. Plus, you can put the full name and contact details of the droop who gave you, a dude, a pink iPhone case covered in glitter and little fake jewels. Disappoint her when you don't regift it back.
5. Psychoanalyze the Gift
Wonder why you didn't get what you wanted this year? Psychoanalyze the situation. Make sure to reference Freud and that Pavlov guy.
Now for a prediction: once you've worked out the details, you'll find the secret to why you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas. Yep, you guessed it, you found the other four ways to deal with bad gifts amusing!
See, this holiday is about love and friendship and stuff. Plus, it's about good gifts and realizing that your friends aren't experts at getting the perfect thing like you are. Be forgiving. Lesser mortals deserve your consideration too. I wish you all the happiest of holidays!