If Renaissance festivals need a mascot, there’s no better choice than Petrarch. A 14th-century Italian poet who invented the sonnet, Petrarch also had the world’s most well-documented and horrific case of blue balls. Over the course of 21 years, P-diddy wrote more than 300 odes to Laura, a woman he never got with — probably because he was a poet. And trust us, if you spend your weekends dressed in Shakespearean velvet garb, drinking from goblets, and sprinkling your speech with thee and thou, you are not getting laid.

Unless, of course, you filthy bugger, you favor the wenches and witches. Then, our sandal-footed friend, the Florida Renaissance Festival is your own personal strip club. Hit on Bertha by the jousting tournament. Challenge Brunhilda to a game of chess. (Loser takes off his codpiece.) Buy Hildegard a Scotch egg. Blow glass with Bronwyn. Basically, don your best tunic and show up to Quiet Waters Park (401 S. Powerline Road, Deerfield Beach) anytime between 10 a.m. and sundown this Sunday (or any weekend through March 14) and you’ll be up to your hosen in ladies who can’t wait to come hither. Tickets cost $20, and, no, you can’t barter for them with a homemade candle. Call 800-373-6337, or visit ren-fest.com.
Saturdays, Sundays, 10 a.m. Starts: Feb. 13. Continues through March 14, 2010