Five Signs You Have Lead Singer Syndrome (LSS)

Here at New Times, we are all about the music scene. Local gigs, big acts, cover bands that play at bar mitzvahs, we love it all! That being said, we feel it's important to address a serious affliction that affects us all in the music community: Lead Singer Syndrome, otherwise known as LSS.

Symptoms of Lead Singer Syndrome include acting entitled and ungrateful, the delusion that s/he is the greatest person to grace the presence of every hole-in-the-wall establishment. Probably one of the biggest signs is s/he treats borrowed equipment like complete shit. Let's also note that s/he borrows equipment because s/he is either bumming off her/his parents or is not willing to pay for it, even with sufficient expenses.

For clarification, it is not just lead singers who can be diagnosed with LSS. Lead guitarists, drummers, even those who play the thermion can have it. Hell, even those not in the music industry can be ill in this manner. Frankly, the only cure is a swift kick in the ass.

Now don't get us wrong: It's great to be confident. In fact, it's fan-fucking-tastic to be sure of yourself. But when you're a local artist who thinks you have the stage presence of Mick Jagger or the looks of Adam Levine, that's just not right. In fact, if anything, you lose cool points. For the humble ones out there, we commend you. Keep up the great attitude, because not only is it rare but it will get you damned far (karma, people). Here are five signs you have Lead Singer Syndrome.

5. You describe your sound as "the greatest thing on Earth."

When educating others about your band, don't describe it as "one of the best local acts" or "it will blow your mind." Seriously, "alternative" or "indie" will suffice.

4. You speak in third person.

Or give yourself a ridiculous name like "The Edge." Only The Edge can have a name like that and not be a total fucking toolbag because he is, well, The Edge.

3. You insist on ridiculous requests.

Having your own dressing room in a local venue like Talent Farm or a bar like Dada is just simply unnecessary and won't make you play better. Requesting only brown M&Ms and Perrier because simple bottled water won't suffice will also get you laughed at. And oh, surprise! It won't make you play better either. Please. Don't be a dick.

2. You use the "I'm in a band" line to score.

Lines like "I knew we were going to make out when I met you" or "I can play an instrument" just isn't going to cut it. Comparing yourself to big-name acts isn't either and just makes you look like an idiot, especially if your band is unsigned, no matter how good you are.

Being a musician doesn't automatically make you a pussy/penis magnet, especially with an overinflated ego like that. Humility goes a long way, and actually taking a general interest in another human helps too. So, in other words, talk about something other than yourself and your band and try to stay for the whole date.

1.You worry about your hair more than the feelings of others.

Good looks can get you only so much. Sure, you may get hit on a bunch because of your long locks, but don't ever ask anyone how your hair looks. Maybe if you worried more about how your band sounded as a whole and tried to figure out ways to improve yourself, you'd get more positive recognition and exposure. Also, don't yell at someone for running his or her fingers through your hair during a make-out sesh. If you're worried about your 'do during a passionate kiss, you are one sick puppy.

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