How American Are You? | Outtakes | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


How American Are You?

In case you´ve ever wondered how ¨American¨ you really are, here´s a quiz to help you figure it out. Disregard our weighted scores in parentheses until you´ve finished the test:

Given the chance to actually wear the American flag, you would:

Turn it into a sexy leather halter-top to accentuate your barely legal curves, like Britney Spears on the cover of Rolling Stone´s May 2000 issue. (2)

Hack a hole in it and wear it as a tacky poncho to rock 2004´s Super Bowl XXXVIII, like Kid Rock did. (-2)

Find two gay men to appear in a 1990 Rock the Vote commercial with you while you wear nothing but combat boots, lacy red lingerie, and a great big American flag, like Madonna did. (1)

On ¨Living in the Promiseland,¨ Willie Nelson sang, ¨Give us your tired and weak, and we will make them strong/Bring us your foreign songs, and we will sing along.¨ His message was:

Immigrants, stay out. (-1)

America loves free labor, so bring it on! (3)

If you believe in hard work, America will give you the chance to find some for less than minimum wage but it´s your job to look out for immigration agents. (2)

The last time you talked publicly about how much you opposed the current administration´s foreign policies:

Southern conservatives collected copies of your CD and destroyed them to show their disgust. (-3)

Toby Keith overrode the U.S. Constitution by insisting you actually don´t have the right to free speech. (-2)

You realized you were part of a staggering majority, and the only ones left to argue against you believe that Jesus is returning in this lifetime. (2)

Score Interpretation:

(-8 to -1 points): You´re just about as American as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or his pen pal, Osama bin Laden.

(0 to 2 points): You´re the average American. Don´t travel overseas, though; you´re one of the dumbasses who make us look bad to other cultures.

(3 to 4 points): You´re educated enough to be called an enemy of America by the Christian Right but not quite artsy (read: gay) enough for them to also call you an enemy of God.

(5 points): Holy mother of Abraham Lincoln you bleed red, white, and blue. We´re proud that you´re an American!

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Cole Haddon

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