No question, we here at the County Grind like to have a good time, have some laughs, and enjoy a few libations. Doesn't everybody? But sometimes we can get a little carried away in our merriments: One drink leads to another leads to a thousand.
Ever had a night like that? Ever been the sloppy drunk at the bar? Ever been 86'd from your favorite watering hole?
Sure there are those happy-go-lucky, life-of-the-party, shitfaced folks, but most of the time, an overly inebriated person just proves a public nuisance. You want to avoid those annoying boozers at any cost, so we're here to help.
What follows is a handy guide to help determine what kind of drunk dudes to avoid at the bar. Or, more realistically, the kind of drunk you don't want to become after imbibing entirely too much alcohol.
10. The 'Roid Rage Gorilla
These muscleheads go to the bar for one thing and one thing only: to punch in some guy's face. Sure, there are fleeting moments when these swoll gorilla-heads chase tail, but the chance to pound their fist into another douche's mug always takes priority.
Whether it be an off glance or an accidental bump, the 'Roid Rager's temper is always on the verge of erupting. Stay clear of these anger-mongers; they're looking for any reason to explode.
9. The Sad Sap
After a few drinks, it's all doom and gloom for this miserable guy. Sit next to one of these melancholic fellows and you might succumb to his bleakness. Nothing ruins a great night out more than some downer complaining about how his ex-wife left him, how his friends hate him, how the government blows, about that time he tried to sign up for Obamacare but the website crashed, how his life has no meaning, how cheesy the music at the bar is, how he should have finished those last three college credits... And that's all in one conversation.
Keep the razor blades (and Smiths tunes) away, and escape as soon as possible.
8. Chester the Molester
Don't sit too close to Chester the Molester because he'll eventually grope you in the most indecent manner. His advances are always way too forward and never welcomed. He'll think he's smooth when he "accidentally" brushes your left breast while reaching for a beer at the bar. He thinks nothing of telling you how nice your ass looks in them jeans or how skilled he is at "going down" (tongue gesture included, of course).
This man has no filter, and the more he drinks, the more audacious he becomes with his sexual accosting. Don't worry; he'll eventually get slapped (or charged) by the end of the night.
7. The Smug Name-Dropper
This is the guy who knows all the Huizengas on a first-name basis, or so he says. He has only two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon because he once partied with Mickey Rourke on South Beach. He had coffee with Sofia Vergara once, and he'll tell you she's really not that hot in real life. Dennis Rodman and him are boys.
How does an electrician have so many big-name contacts? Beats the hell out of us. His modus operandi is to lure in gals with his supposed Rolodex of big shots. Oh, you're an aspiring model; guess who once did work on John Casablancas' house? You got it: Mr. Name-Dropper. Don't believe a word that comes out of this delusional dimwit's mouth.
6. The Would-Lose-His-Penis-if-It-Weren't-Attached Dude
Perhaps some of our readers are too young to remember King Missile's '90s college-radio hit "Detachable Penis?" Thank God this guy's penis isn't detachable, because like his keys, cell phone, and wallet, it will end up in some mysterious black hole at the end of the evening.
He's the one who always leaves his credit card at the bar or forgets where he parked his car. Looks like you'll have to buy this round, girl, because Mr. Loser lost his last $20 on the floor somewhere.
5. The Pathetic P*&sy-Whipped Fellow
God, please stop talking about how incredible your wife or girlfriend is. Oh yeah, her I.Q. is how high? Her eyes are indescribable, and she's the spitting image of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's? That's nice, but what about all the current girls at the bar? Can you put your phone down for one minute and stop texting her? We're out; enjoy the moment.
There's some overlap with the Sad Sap here when Mr. P*&sy-Whipped is coming out of a relationship. Heaven forbid the whole night end up devoted to lamenting the demise of his previous relationship. We don't care.
Pass him some tissues and move on.
4. The C'mon Take Shot-Shot-Shots With Me Guy
This guy is the living embodiment of that LMFAO song featuring Lil Jon. Sure, he's a bit of a party-starter, but it's all a bit too much. Hanging with this chap will lead to one of the worst hangovers of your life. A shot of Patrón always sounds like a good idea at first, but follow that with 20 more and before you know it, you'll be in deep blackout zone.
Say no to the shot.
3. Mr. Slippery Fingers
Keep a good handle on your sour apple martini, because if you are hanging with Slippery Fingers here, it's going to soon be spilled all over your new Anthro dress. This man is sloppy, and his elbows have a tendency to jerk every which way. Bottles of craft beer don't stand a chance versus this man. The last Sierra Nevada Pale Ale he just bought you, yeah, it slid right through his fingertips and burst all over the floor. Bartenders hate him.
Don't let your blouse be his next victim.
2. The Nonstop Selfies Dude
This one is all about social media and bragging to everyone about how much of a good time he's having at the bar. The more he drinks, the more his iPhone comes out. It's picture after picture after picture of him with this babe and that babe... We get it, dude: You're a ladies' man. You're having a blast. No need to ram that point down our throats.
1. Verbal Diarrhea Man
The problem with Verbal Diarrhea Man is that you will never be able to identify him until you realize you just wasted 20 minutes of your life listening to a story that had no point whatsoever. His stories never end up going anywhere interesting. His jokes never really have an LOL punchline. This man does not shut up, and he just loves the sound of his own voice.
He is sometimes besties with Smug-Name-Dropper too, and together the two make for a nauseating combo. Life is too precious to spend time with these self-aggrandizing, time-consuming, superannoying dunderheads.
Use earplugs if necessary.
Serena Dominguez is a freelance illustrator living in Miami. Visit serenadominguez.com.
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