Talking Shit

Ten Reasons to Never Date a Yachtie

Whether you’re a SoFlo local or an out-of-towner stopping by for a little fun in the sun, you're probably aware of Fort Lauderdale's reputation as the "Venice of America." Tens of thousands of boats pop into this rambunctious city every year, bearing a bounty of treasure for the locals — and by treasure, I'm not talking about gold or jewels. I'm talking about yachties.

They can be hard to resist, with their toned, sun-kissed skin, sexy accents, and “I don’t give a f*#% because I’m on one big adventure” attitudes. You haven’t really lived the South Florida lifestyle until you’ve fallen in love with a yachtie for a night. Sure, they are often charming and exotic, great with their hands, and the life of the party, but be warned — the good times are almost always fleeting, and we have ten solid reasons why.

So, fellow bachelors and bachelorettes, the next time you find yourself pining after the docked yachtie you just made out with for three hours in the pool at the Beach Place Hilton, please remember:

10. They’ll never be impressed with your travel stories. Oh, you studied abroad in Barcelona? That’s cute, they'll say. I grew up in Cape Town, and I’ve stepped foot on every floating pile of sand in the Caribbean.

9. You’re just another story between crew members below deck. No matter how strong your connection was those first three nights, Dane is going to have to go back to sharing 30 square feet of private space with a stewardess named Annie from Germany in a week or two. She shares his passion for wanderlust and is just pretty enough to curb the loneliness when they aren’t docked, so if you think you’re his one and only, it just might be time to reel yourself back in.

8. They’re restless. Good luck having a Netflix-and-chill night. They’ve been stuck on a boat for God knows how long, and they have only a week to blow as much of their tips on Fireball shots as they can while "making new friends."

7. They’re just plain weird. You thought the glazed-over look in their eyes was just from the cocktails, until the next morning, when you realized it was still there and they've probably just stared into the reflection of the sun one too many times.

6. You never really know what they're saying. With that accent and the hodge-podge of South African, British, Kiwi, and Australian lingo, you just can't keep up. It was endearing at first, but it’s annoying how he keeps telling you your cat looks like it wants some “biscuits." Cats don’t eat biscuits; they eat cat food. Go away.

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